You popped my heart seams on my bubble dreams

It really seems as if every time I start to feel better, it all just tumbles down again. To be honest, the fall this time doesn't seem so hard. I guess my recovery period is starting to shorten... or maybe it's the combination of Nutella and ibuprofen that's created a safety net for my sinking demeanor.

I put away some of the things he's given me into a hat box and stashed it in my closet. I have left some things out... but the ones that hurt the most went into the box. It's just that... I'll sit and think... I'll reminisce.. and if I think too hard about it then my eyes start to sting with tears. Then I have to just stuff all of my feelings away. I have to bury them in me or else I just fall apart.

Aside from all that... I did try to have a good time today. I met up with an old friend from high school. She and I talked a lot. I didn't realize how much I had to say. I felt like I was talking for ages. I do want to thank her for distracting me for awhile and for offering to pay for my lunch. I didn't let her. She's so nice. A super huge thank you goes out to her this week.

Now back to the Nutella... I've been wanting to taste it for a while and I finally picked up a sample pack at World Market. Wow... it is really good. I'd be more enthusiastic about how great this stuff tastes but being depressed and all. I'd love to make a cake with it. It's a chocolate-hazlenut spread and I think I could eat it for days and still not get tired of it. Oh, also, World Market is one of my new favorite stores. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

I guess that's all for this post. Good luck to Moises who has applied to a job he really wants and hi to Ron because he actually reads this crap.

~C.M.

Secret #1

When I type a blog post... I think about what I'm writing in a British accent.

~C.M.

My heart is drenched in wine

Hello. So, it's been brought to my attention that my blog titles are sometimes... alarming. I'm going to give this disclaimer. If you know something about me, it ought to be that I'm a bit of an audiophile and all around music lover. Good lyrics are one of the things I like most about life and living. I like certain lyrics so much that I often want to incorporate them into my living so, I've done this by using some of my favorite lyrics as my blog titles. So if you read anything like, "The truth is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt," it's not because I actually agree with this sentiment, it's because it's one of the most horribly fantastic Taking Back Sunday lyrics and I wanted to use it in something. All clear? Perfect.

So, my hormones are putting me through the wringer. You thought I was a shoddy mess before? You ought to see me spontaneously cry over a cute puppy video. Seriously, it's one of the most pathetic things I've done. Being jilted and overly-estrogenized is truly a horrible thing. If you're picking up on my morbid humor, go buy yourself something nice. You deserve it.

All jokes aside, it has been hard, as it has been for over a month. I miss him more than I can bear... Of course, I use humor to cover it all up. No one can laugh at you if you starting laughing at yourself first, right? Then they'd be laughing with you and what fools that'd make them.

To get off that angsty subject, why don't I show you a picture of my hair.

True to form, I managed to fuck it up a bit. It's still brown in some spots and not horridly black like I wanted it. Actually, it's not really that blue anymore. Wah. I still like it though. I love how my hair is all one uniform color again. What do you think?

Alright, I think I've bored you all enough. If you'd like to be nice and leave me comments that'd certainly be something I'd approve of. Let's banter.

~C.M.

Sink or swim

I'm not entirely sure how many other people have noticed this, but I think I ought to draw some attention to it anyhow... How many of you have seen this sign?

Now, I'm probably the only one on the planet that has ever given this a second thought... but why do employees have to be reminded to wash their hands? Are these employees incapable of remembering one of the most simple rules of hygenie? Seriously, have you ever stopped to ponder? Reading it again, I'm not sure I wanna be here if people are going to FORGET to wash their hands and shit.  Does it have to specify, "before returning to work"? Hell, I'd make a sign to remind EVERYONE to wash their hands before they do anything! Also, not that I'm anal about cleanliness, but I've been noticing in the women's public restrooms across town, that most women don't really... wash their hands. Sure, they run their hands under the water, slap some soap on, but they don't... wash. I try to make a habit of washing my hands with plenty of soap and lather for at least 20 seconds. I don't just rub my palms together either, I'm washing the hell out of the spaces in between my fingers. If you don't wash your hands properly, I'm not saying that you're a horrible person, but you better get your shit together. You're probably the reason Swine Flu happened. Just saying.

The ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away

It's Thursday. I'm at home. Typing this. To make the situation even sadder I'm probably just going to end up watching Degrassi later on. I guess I am feeling better than I was a couple of days ago. Loads of limeade do the trick, apparently.

A friend came to me for help the other day. I hadn't realized how good it felt to be on the other side of the tracks again. Someone was seeking me out for advice. It felt great... It almost made me feel normal again. Distractions are much appreciated these days. A thank you goes out to him this week.

Something has vexed me a bit though. One of my favorite YouTube stars, Natalie Tran had been MIA for almost a month. She finally posted a video today apologizing for her absence. She also mentioned that she's been having a really crappy time. I don't know this girl personally, but as someone who's made me laugh I guess I feel some kind of connection to her. YouTube stars are different from other celebrities... They seem more real and they interact with their audience a lot more than say... Linday Lohan or Tila Tequila would. Natalie almost seems like a close friend of mine and it bothers me that she's been having a shitty time too. If you want to be nice, go leave her loving comments on her channel. You'll get brownie points from me. Hell, I might even send you a present for doing so if you send me the screenshot.

You want to know something else I've realized? I'm a bit of a sucker for people who laugh at my jokes. That goes for anyone, male or female. I think that why I keep most of my friends around. They appreciate my humor and that goes quite a long way for a chubby girl. Anyway, to end this post I'll leave you with one of my favorite Natalie Tran videos.

~C.M.

Hearts

 Short story I wrote some time ago.
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The only thing that breaks the silence is the shuffling of the pages she turns. I'm sitting across from her in the Library as she leafs through her Physics book. I cross and uncross my ankles underneath the table. It's almost been a week since the party. I wonder if she remembers anything from the evening.

I blink as she looks up at me, noticing my gaze. I had been staring. She smiles and half-scowls, then returns to her studying. God, she is absolutely stunning. Green eyes, soft dirty blonde hair... petite and kind. I've never had a bigger crush on anyone.

That night at the house party, I was calmly sitting on the porch, nursing a bottle of water. The night air was heavy with humidity. "Hey you," She breathed into my ear from behind me. I had nearly had a heart attack. I noticed she was slurring her words when she had asked if it was cool if she sat with me. I smiled warmly and nodded.

She clears her throat and my heart stops for a moment. She holds her head in her hand and sighs as she re-reads a paragraph. My tongue tingles with questions I want so desperately to ask... but I'm afraid. What if she shot me down? Denied it all and stormed out?

I frown slightly and glance at her hands... Her slender, elegant, feminine hands. I can nearly feel them running over my—

"Is there a formula chart in this thing?" She half-whispered to me.

I widen my eyes, shake my head feverishly and start to blush as I scribble nonsense into my notebook, pretending to be busy. Still, my thoughts stray back to the way she grinned at me and told me I was pretty. She leaned in and planted a kiss on my lips. It was only for a second (and she passed out afterward) but it was like time had froze. I look at her now, focusing on her reading, struggling to cram as much information into her head. The morning after the party she acted normal... besides dashing into the restroom to retch. I sigh, and realize that I am terribly and hoplessly in love with my roommate.

Empty

Another story...
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The hardwood floors were cold and creaked with emptiness. A chilly draft blew around my ankles as I stood in his room. Only a bed remained. His books, his clothes, his desk were all gone. I looked to the window to see clouds looming low in the sky. So suitable.

Slowly, I walked towards the bed and curled upon it. I found myself retreating into a fetal position. I glanced around and realized that the room was actually quite big... now that there was nothing in it. I closed my eyes, imagining that nothing had changed. He was still with me. He was still in the living room, watching the Food Network. I wasn't really alone. He hadn't met a gorgeous woman named Julia... He hadn't taken her to dinner in my car... He hadn't gone up to her apartment... He hadn't fallen out of love with me.

It was just a nightmare and I would wake up soon. Just a very bad dream... I hadn't found pictures of them together on his laptop... I hadn't lied to him and said I wouldn't be home... I hadn't waited around for him.. and I hadn't yelled at him the second he walked in the door. Julia hadn't walked in after him or demanded to know who I was. She hadn't called him a bastard and pulled a gun from her purse. She hadn't screamed and pulled the trigger... He hadn't been struck with the bullet, and crumpled to the floor. He hadn't died at the doorway as her eyes welled with tears. Julia hadn't dropped the pistol in the growing pool of scarlet blood and whispered, "I'm sorry," before stumbling away in a daze.

Just a nightmare... a terrible nightmare. My eyes shot open, and my face was wet.... but I was still in his room, and it was still empty.

The First Time

An old story that I wrote a while back... Tell me what you think, maybe?

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For a moment, I wasn't alone in the break room, staring at the Coke machine... I was right there with you, in your room, surrounded by posters of comic book heroes. It was dimly lit... I could barely make out the faint smile on your face as I pulled my shirt over my head.

A clanking sound made me jump, and I realized that my soda had been dispensed. If you must ask, yes, I did think about you at the most mundane times... While I was waiting for coffee, sending an email, watching my dinner be microwaved, during commercials, when I was drying my hair...

It had been so long that I didn't know if I even missed you anymore. All I knew for sure was that I still hated couples with a vengeance. At the mall, when I go to people watch, there will be two teenagers, madly in love. They'll begin to kiss at the fountain in the food court, which sends me and my strawberry-banana smoothie over to the bookstore. Do they remind me of us? I'm not so sure myself.

I took my drink with me over to the communal break room table. The air was cold and it freezed my toes. I began to regret buying the Coke. I sat there the whole thirty minutes, never opening the can. I decided to leave it there, in case someone else wanted it...

I'll never be the same

Just when you think things are looking up they go, "Fuck you, of course you're going to feel worse." And I do. Every part of me is in battle with itself. I'm vulnerable and I know it. My body is reacting by making me... hard. Bitter. I haven't been this way in a really long time. It's kind of scary. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be mad. To be honest, I wish I could sleep for years... but I know the pain would still be there regardless of how long I sleep.

I still wonder what I did wrong, though most times I think it's because of my weight... Or maybe I should have done this or that better. Other times I think I didn't really do anything wrong, I've just made the world mad at me for being so mean to myself. Correcting whatever mistakes I've made will take a very long time. I need to do it myself, I know, but... right now I'm terribly weak. So... so... weak. I never know what to do with myself anymore. I'm just going through the motions of living, if that's what you call this. What happens from here? I ask that like I don't know the answer, but I do. I made a promise. My heart... has settled on a decision, though it does pulsate with indecision sometimes. I know what happens from here, in a way... I will lock my heart away. I will wait. I will be stuck. I'll always be in love. Nothing will ever change that, and I know it. I'm scared. I'm tired of being hurt, but I must do this. I must... live. I can't sleep forever.

~C.M.

Succinct is my maiden name

"This may sound crazy but I wanna come back home. That's it I said it now I'm sailing off to Neverland and then Japan. So think real slow (Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no) about the way you wanna go, 'cause you may forget the way to get back home." - Relient K

~C.M.

Just let me sit and rot

Today was a bit of a hard day. Emotions abound. Was feeling really bitter, then really hurt. For now I've just buried my feelings so that I can function. I try not to think so much but memories are everywhere. Being on the verge of tears during everyday life is no way to live but I can't help but wonder "Why me?" every now and then.

Aside from all that ugliness that's become a common obstacle for me my day wasn't completely horrible. I've dyed my hair blue black. I shall post pictures when I can. To be honest, I wasn't expecting the chemical smell to be so strong. Seriously, I feel like my nose is going to bleed at any second. Until next time.

~C.M.

Change, I'm sometimes impartial to you

Another sleepless night, another silly blog. Anyway, so look what I ate for dinner...

It's a red velvet cupcake. Set me back four big ones but honestly, it was worth it. Eating my feelings has never tasted so good. I got it from this place called...

Dimples. Their cupcakes are really pretty good. I wouldn't say that they're the best that I've tried, but they're a super close second in the area. I plan on doing a more extensive review once I'm not lazy.

So, I've mentioned how I'm kind of on the fence about dyeing my hair pink. I've been doing some research and stuff. I've found a few pictures of pink hair that I like. Here's a couple.

Isn't just gorgeous? I think this is a picture of a bride on her wedding day. I love the hairstyle and the color.

I'm considering this style as well since I'm not too sure if I wanna go balls deep in pink. Wait, that sounded totally inappropriate...

Anyway, I've got a few more pictures of pink hair I'd like to post but I shall save them for another time. Now, I shall play "At Seventeen" on repeat and dream about cherry Coke.

~C.M.

Wail

I had a weird thought the other night... I was having trouble falling asleep again. I was feeling alone. I lied on my back, sheet pulled up to my chin as I stared at the swirls in the paint on the ceiling. And then I heard it. A soft wail faraway. An ambulance was charging down a nearby street. It... calmed me. It made me feel not so alone as morbid as that is. I live in a really huge city (population: approximately 2 million) so hearing a police siren isn't uncommon. I guess we can blame this on nurture.

I have family that lives in a drastically smaller town (population: approximately 55,000) and when I go to visit there... it's so quiet. It's almost unsettling how little noise there is, especially at night. Most of the stores and restaurants close around 8 p.m. I think sometimes I have an even harder time falling asleep. Siren wails make me realize that there's still civilization out there. I'm not completely alone in the dark. There are still people out there living their lives.

~C.M.

El Oh Vee Ee

I wrote this... essay of sorts a few months ago but I never posted it. Amazingly, I still feel the same way as I did then.
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The other day my history professor expressed her detest for "love". She argued that it might as well be called lust, as it fades just as quickly. She said that after a year of marriage love just disappears. As much as it pains me to say it, I think my professor is simply bitter. She's definitely a cynic and that's not always a bad thing but it's statements like that that I feel are completely biased and out of touch.


I'm here to stand up for love. I know it's real. I've felt it and no one can tell me how AWFUL it is because it's not true. Finding and searching for love may be hurtful and difficult but real, true, unyielding love isn't anywhere near horrific.

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm in love. Yeah, sometimes it's difficult and sometimes my insecurities might get in the way but I know that I'm feeling love and I'm being loved. Real love doesn't fade. It just doesn't go away.


A long time ago I said that love didn't exist but I was lying, especially to myself. I wanted someone so badly but the Universe just fed me heartbreak, singledom and unrequited love. Finally, after all that suffering I was rewarded with the most perfect person for me.


Down with cynicism towards love. If anything, we should focus on finding the right person instead of saying "I love you" two weeks after we've met someone. Make love matter again.

~CM

See the sun

My life is dramatically different than it was over a month ago. So much has changed... I feel like I'm being punished sometimes. As if I've done something to anger higher beings and they're lashing out by making me miserable.

Aside from that I'm working on my biggest project ever which is me. Hopefully by year's end I'll be thinner, healthier and might like myself a bit. I might also have pink hair. It depends on how dramatic my "cheer myself up" measures have to go.

One good thing that's come out of this is that my muse has come back to join me in my misery. I've been writing a little bit and perhaps I'll share them here. Also, my love for reading has been rekindled which is cause for some kind of happiness.

I have a very long "journey" ahead of me and many changes to make and adjust to. I know that I'm able to do it and I will do it but I certainly won't like it all the time. It still seems unfair and I still hurt everyday but... I must have faith. I'll have to make a new normal for myself.

~CM