Secret #6

There was a secret number five, but I deleted it because I had twisted it out of a bitter and sad demeanor. Carry on.

~C.M. xx

May angels lead you in...

I'm not entirely sure how to start. Should I start by saying that I lost both of my grandmothers this year? And here I was, hoping that 2010 would be great but it's even more horrible than 2009 was.

You might have seen me update my Facebook status regarding my maternal grandmother's death. For some reason I was expecting a tad more support, but honestly, what was I expecting? It's Facebook. And nothing makes people more awkward than death... and one's first experience with lovemaking, but I digress. (If you were wondering, yes, that was a pathetic attempt at humor. Even when my eyes are red and watery I use that damn shield. At least I'm consistent?)

My grandma is the woman sitting down and smiling in the upper left-hand corner. The little girl in the right hand corner is my mommy.

My grandmother, Carmen, passed away yesterday afternoon. I wasn't immedietely stricken with grief... My grandmother had been sick for awhile now and though my parents like to "protect" me like a 5 year-old and didn't really let me know anything I still knew that she wasn't doing well. A few weeks ago, I suppose I prepared myself. We were visiting her in the hospital and I noticed a plastic, purple bracelet on her wrist. "DNR". Do not resuscitate. That made me sad. I nearly cried there, but I didn't. Actually, I haven't let myself cry yet over her death. Things kind of happened quickly after that. We got the call about my grandmother passing while my parents and I were at my great aunt's house. For some reason, I felt like making a cake. My great aunt has a nice kitchen and always has kitchen staples at hand. Just as I was about to start I heard my mother in the living room talking to my uncle on the phone... He gave her the terrible, yet expected news... Soon after there were tears from my mother, and my great aunt. I was instructed to go ahead and make the cake since we'd probably be having company over soon. Is that what's normal? People come over to eat after there's a death in the family? Anyway, it gave me something to focus my attention on. What good would it be for me to cry and be a mess when my mother, with blood shot eyes sniffled and compulsively straightened up the house? I didn't want to make her cry more.

I didn't think too hard about it when everyone showed up, but seeing glimmers of my family's grief did make my throat tighten painfully. Especially when my cousin, Jimmy started to get emotional. It took a lot for me not to cry. Maybe my behavior will be different at the funeral, but honestly I'm not sure that I want to let anyone see me cry... I hope that my parents or anyone else don't think that I'm heartless. I simply love them so much and I want to be there for them.

My grandma and my mommy.

I hate that I can't remember much about my grandmother before her Alzheimer's started to affect her. I remember little things here and there. Hell, I spent a week with her when I was 12 and the most that I remember is that she cursed occasionally. I thought that was badass, to be honest. And funny. She had a really cute laugh though. I loved hearing her laugh. It always made me smile, even if I had no idea what the hell she was laughing at. I'm really glad I got to say goodbye to her as I didn't get to speak to my paternal grandmother before she passed. I hadn't seen her in 17 years...

I'm gonna leave you all with something really cliched and stupid, but bear the fuck with me because I'm actually starting to fucking cry. Life really is short. It's foolish to stay mad at anyone... It's foolish not to tell someone you love them if that's how you feel. It's foolish to live like you'll always have another chance to say the right thing or to make things right. Maybe you won't. I'm not saying that you should live everyday like it's your last and blow your student loan on a fucking Ferrari or anything... but perhaps we can just enjoy each other a bit more? Be more tolerant? Something like that...

~C.M. xx

They don't know the truth

It seems that I'm always eating when I blog... Right now I've just finished off a grilled chicken sammich. YEAH. Katy Perry is blasting right now, so that's only slightly less emo than what I was playing earlier... which was Jimmy Eat World. I love them, by the way.

Speaking of love... I've been pretty lonely as of late. It's lame. Fucking lame. I'm not one of those girls who like being an "independent woman". When "Single Ladies" comes on, I do NOT dance. Though, if you like it I STRONGLY suggest you put a ring on it. xD I really did dislike being alone on Halloween, and as stupid as it is... I don't want to spend Guy Fawkes day alone either. xD Honestly, you don't have to remind me how pathetic I am. I'm fully aware of this. I mean... I'm searching for a new damn gym bag right now during the official start of my weekend. Social life FAIL.

There are a couple things I'm looking forward to though. One being the arrival of my t-shirt from this place called 6 Dollar Shirts. I've lurked around their site for ages but I've been too scared to buy anything. As the name suggests, all their shirts are around $6. Sounds like a great deal, right? And if you buy 10 of them they knock $10 bucks of the price so you end up paying $50 for 10 shirts. So, I ordered just one for now to test the quality and I'll probably even post a review here. Yay? Sort of.

Also, I really need to get out of the house so this weekend I might go out to see what's going on at the Major Leauge Gaming event and might go to Sonicon... by myself. ~.~" And those of you who are fans of Less Than Three, the geeky, gossipy podcast Dalila and I run.. well, we're getting around to recording another episode. We promise!

Oh yeah, I forgot to post the link to the blog where you can see the posts I made for my school's newspaper's blog the other night from the watch party. If you're interested in reading them you can go to the Et Cetera Blog.

That's all for now. New post in a few days... or tomorrow.

~C.M. xx

I'm no longer your muse

FIRST POST OF THE MONTH, FUCK YEAH. I'm feigning most of that enthusiasm, just so you know. Right now it's pretty damn cold, but I might just be saying that because I'm wearing a really thin hoodie. But it's a badass hoodie... I got it for $13 so I was pretty damn psyched about that.

Rounding back to the weather, it's been cold and rainy since yesterday, which has sucked. Mostly because, well... the better part of ya'll know from my Twitter or Facebook feeds (Or possibly even FourSquare), I was assigned by my journalism professor to cover the Republican watch party which was at a super-swanky hotel. I think it's rather obvious that I'm not really a person who would agree with most of the Republican's agenda, so... it was an experience. I had to live-blog from the watch party. I got a press badge and everything. It was actually kind of exciting. A long time ago I wanted to pursue a career in journalism, but luckily that fire burned out before last night when I learned that I am so not cut out for that kind of life. Talk about a fish out of water. Sheesh. The food was... FREE and amazing. I had a tiny key-lime pie! So cute! So yummy! From what I heard from my classmates assigned to go to the Democratic watch party there was NO free food whatsoever, much less cute or yummy food. Oh, another funny thing, I was advised by my professor to dress up nicely since I was assigned to the Republicans. I busted out the big guns. xD Pantyhose, skirt, cute-ass suede wedge heels. THE. WORKS.

 See?

 I

 Proof of tiny pie.

How did you guys' Halloweens go? Mine SUCKED. Like the actual 31st of October sucked a lot. I was stuck with my parents for most of the day and I was out of town so I couldn't meet up with any friends or anything like that. I wasn't sure of when we were gonna head back home either so I wasn't able to let my cousin, Becca-chan, know if I could hang out. Anyway, the party she threw was alright. I probably would have had more fun if I was the smoking or drinking kind. I hadn't realized that about 95% of the other guests do partake in either, so I was kind of "left out" so to speak, but I did have fun watching Angry Video Game Nerd videos on the computer with my cousin Jimmy and honorary family member, Roland. I did get kind of hit on, I think... It was.. a bit unsettling. Basically this guy propositioned me, asking if I wanted to have sex. When I laughed nervously and declined he said, "Ah, I'm just fucking with ya!" and guffawed. Yes, guffawed. I wasn't too sure of what to make of it. SIGH!

I got this fortune in a cookie today...

It says, "A new relationship is about to blossom. You will be blessed". Hopefully that's a relationship between me and A FUCKING JOB, yeah?

I guess that's all for today. New post in a few days.

~C.M. xx