Secret #9

I tried out for Radio Disney when I was about nine-years-old. I got one callback.

Secret Garden

"You're fucking alone,"
This I knew
Because I had a love
Protected by boundaries

But it grew spidery vines
Rattled against the walls
And I lost it

So I continued on
Playing coy and calm

He said smart things
He found a sweet spot
He called me pretty...

So my shirt dipped down
My face flushed
My skin taut

I felt used
Pressured
But a lady
Never fails to please

I let down my guard
Left the gate ajar
And I lost myself

Mentiroso

You were alone now
She smiled
She blushed
You kissed her
Softly at first

Your hand catching
In the delicate curls
Of her locks
She responded with
her tongue

It was familiar
but deliciously different

This is exactly
What you needed
No complications
Just convienence
It was exactly
What she wanted
Your lips, your lies

Disfrazada

Shouting salty swears
Being bitter and bratty
A farce forced by frequent fear
Silly girl just wants to fall deep in love
Lust and longing lingers
Idly idealizing ignorance
All the sugar, sex, sin
Won't satisfy her Jane Austen heart
Empty but eagerly expecting
Requited returns, really
Moments and meanings
Over-analyzed, organized
And on the surface, a stupid smirk

Indigenous

I thought I knew perfection
I was happy and deluded
I settled for "Okay," when
I really needed "Yes, darling."
Intellectual and sexual.
I was captivated, I was done for
He fed me all the fantasies
I kept for myself
He fed me the future
I secretly knew I'd never see
I fell; told myself I was fine
He decided it was all too much
I fucked up, but where exactly?
He said no, not you, "It's me,"
I just wanted to give all my love
All over again to a man,
Not a boy

Boy, am I lonely...

Inquisition

(Written in late 2010, early 2011)

You're my muse.

I can only write when I've crawled into my hole, when I'm hiding my tears from the world. I can only write when I'm twisted and torn.

You do that to me.

Do you know sweetie, just how much you meant to me? The earth, the sky, the moon, I didn't care for.

But you... it was only ever you.

Do you know how many tears I spilled over you? A million and a half times forever.

All yours.

But it's been so long... and I'm still writing of the anguish you put me through. You won, but you didn't ever claim your prize. Is that what the game was all along? Conquer me only to leave?

L'espoir désespéré

(Not clear when I wrote this. More than likely late 2010 or early 2011.)

Maybe it's because I'm still afraid of letting you in. Maybe I think that if you see the dark, you'll realize you've made a mistake. Maybe I'm just scared that you'll turn and run. I'm scared that you'll leave me in your wake, drowning in deep blue sorrows.

It wasn't always like this. I had crazy dreams once. I thought that fairy tales could happen. But then I met a boy and I told him all of my heart's desires. We built a world just for us to live in. I felt at home with him.

One day, I opened my mouth, uttered three deathly honest words, "I love you." He held his breath... I haven't heard from him since.

Aventurera

I wasn't always this way... I wasn't exactly a nun either. Maybe I just kept it quiet. My sexual energy was something just for me and for no one else to know... And then I met him. Our desires intermingled but we waited. I didn't want to give myself away before I was ready... before I was in love.

Even still, I had never really discussed all my sexual wants (needs, even) with anyone, but opened up with him... And now it's as if I can't keep it to myself anymore. I'm dying to share that side of me, to let it run rampant...

Is that what happens when you give your virginity away? You suddenly become a completely sexual being and are unable to extinguish that desire without having sex? You become branded? Unpure... deviant... or maybe I'm just so in need of affection, and sex is the ultimate loving act, therefore I crave that closeness. I crave that passion. I'm probably just kidding myself and am secretly a slut.

Prophète

I should have known.

I was threatened by her the moment I met her. The moment I saw her adorable, unassuming smile every hair on my body tugged at the follicle. She was cute. Really cute. Petite. Kind. Geeky.

She looked like the least complicated girl on earth... like she just wanted to give love and table all the drama. She looked... lovely.

On the other hand, I am not lovely in the slightest... or cute for that matter. I'm huge and clumsy... like a cow with vertigo. Not even, cows are still cute.

I'm not enough and too much all at once. I hate it to no end. My insecurity feeds upon every single negative thought.

Glancing at him, chewing on a chapped bottom lip, I only hoped that he wasn't in love with someone else.

Stupid and lonely

Call me obvious, but the years after graduating from high school seem to be traveling at warp speed. It's been such an eventful past few months. I have a very rewarding job that I love, despite the stress it causes. I'm "newly" single. I'm moving out of the house finally, into an apartment! It's a lot of changes in a short amount of time, but I still yearn for consistency.

Naturally, I'm a mess. Like I've mentioned before, it's as if my life is in a constant state of crisis. There's always a void I'm trying to fill. I'm trying to stuff anything I can into my life hoping that somehow it'll make me feel less lonely.

I thought my job would keep me occupied enough that I wouldn't notice the distance growing between us. I told myself it would all be better, I just needed to stay busy. But no matter how busy I was... I still felt like a stupid, deluded girl. I held onto him. I didn't want to be more alone than I already was. I wanted to fight for us. I felt like we had worked too hard to just let it go to shit. But I was wrong. I should have conceded the moment I felt like an afterthought. Am I stubborn or just a stupid, scared bitch?

I would like to tell you all that I'm thriving as a single woman. I truly believed that after the few days of crying, I was done and I was ready to take on the rest of my life. My confidence is definitely not consistent.  Last night I fell apart all over again. I realize I'm alone. No matter what I do, it's a fact. I can try to attract new men, I can convince others I'm happy, I can sit around all day watching Glee, I can bake, I can spend my time working on my writing, I can learn something new on the internet... but it's all on my own.

A second look at loss

Loss and death is a weird thing and we all deal with it differently. It usually makes us uncomfortable. My mom, for instance will talk about inane things, focus on everything except the person who's most likely on their deathbed. My father, seems to be incredibly uncomfortable in hospitals and seems to have a similar tactic. He makes silly jokes that fall flat in the midst of a somber mood. I'm not sure how I deal with it. I guess I'm usually quiet and I scowl a lot. Not because I'm mad but probably because I'm just trying to figure out how I'm supposed to feel.

My great aunt just passed away. I wasn't incredibly close to her but I do know that she was a sweet woman who was esentially the core of her family. I probably would not be so affected by her death if my maternal grandmother hadn't passed away two years ago. It's something I still grapple with today. You'd think after so many months it just gets easier, but it all just stays the same, you're still without that person in your life. There's so many parallels with my great aunt's death and my grandmother. I'm here in the same city. She's in the same hospital. Everyone has the same pained faces, same worry and panic. More than likely tonight's events will be the same. Everyone will speak in soft tones and find the softest spot in their heart from which pours geuine kindness. We'll all bring food and talk. We'll all be together even though we're not all that close, but that's something death does. It brings people together in all settings.

With her passing it just makes me realize that time stops for no one. It will keep marching on with or without you. I'm now struck with a panic, panic that my great aunt, who I am particularly close with especially since my grandmother's decline in health, will be next. Seeing her go will be very painful, I know this now. It feels almost like a betrayl, that I will miss this person more than another, but I guess that's just how life is. You'll be magnetized closer to some more than others, you'll care more. That's just how the pieces will fall in life.

And again, as time marches on it will not stop for my mother. It will not stop for my father. And when they pass I will be alone. I have no brothers or sisters. Seeing my great aunt at the hospital last night I saw her daughters there, all three of them. They are a team that can get through this together. I will not have that. I will be alone. Yes, I'll have my family but at the end of it all I will simply be alone. And I truly have felt alone a lot lately so perhaps that's another reason why I'm thinking about this. I'm just dreading every passing moment that will lead me to be that daughter, at a bedside. Alone.

REVIEW: Katy Perry, Part of Me 3D

(Hi there! I know it's been AGES since I've updated but lately I've been focusing a great deal of my creative energy into my pet project, The Seed Magazine which is a digital publication showcasing original content by creative 18-29-year-old people. If you have a chance, and haven't already, please check it out here, here, here and here. It'll make me so fantasgasmically happy.)

So, why did I bring you all here today? To blab, of course. I got to see Katy Perry's documentary a few hours ago thanks to my mom with her free Fandango tickets. I went with my best friend, Reina and it was so fun! This means that my secret's out. I'm a total KatyCat. I loved "One of the Boys" and two summers ago I couldn't wait to get my hands on the cotton-candy scented "Teenage Dream". I'm seriously obsessed.

Glitter shoes & cotton-candy colored carpet leading the way to the theater!

I'm not completely sure what draws me to Katy. It might be that she's not rail-thin (I can identify) but it probably has to do with the fact that she doesn't take herself too seriously, and as most of you know, that's totally something I'm on board with. Two summers ago, I got my heart broken... badly. I listened to a lot of music to soothe myself and of the top 10 songs I played on iTunes that summer, songs from Katy's albums made up 70% of that list. If you've only listened to her singles I can see how most would think that she's a bouncy party girl, and she probably is, but in other songs, like "I'm Still Breathing", "Not Like the Movies" and "Pearl" there's an honesty there that I relate to. Maybe I'm being a sap, but I feel like those songs are the rawest and make me a bigger fan of hers. She's not one to hold back and Katy definitely didn't hold back in this documentary. SPOILER ALERT! Her ex-husband, Russell Brand is featured much more heavily in the movie than I thought he'd be. His first appearance on the screen had everyone in the theater give a slightly shocked, more empathetic, "Oh..." You see the couple together, so happy and you can't help but give a lopsided frown. Throughout the film you witness how much Katy struggled to keep her marriage alive and to keep it together to continue her tour. I think the film was edited pretty well, had great fluidity (no slow moments) and of course the sound/music is great as far as quality is concerned. It's more than a concert film, it's an in depth look at how a little Christian singer became a gigantic pop star and a story that shows that dreams can come true, maybe you have to sacrifice to get the success you want, but there's always hope. It was pretty adorable to see clips of 18-year-old Katy Perry talk about her career thus far and everything she aspired to. Aside from that mushiness, I'll be honest with you, I'm anti-3D in most cases. There's very little 3D to Part of Me. Only the concert footage pops out, so I would say to skip it in 3D if you're really debating if it's worth the extra $2-4.

 

Maybe I'm seeing this movie through heart-shaped glasses since I'm a Katy Perry fan, and therefore biased but my expectations were exceeded this time around. And hey, getting free stuff was great too. Above is a special edition pin-up poster that I meticulously carried with me all the way home lest it got wrinkled because that would have made me one sad panda.

AND LOOK, heart-shaped 3D glasses. These were given to us AFTER we left the theater and they came in this nifty drawstring bag. SWEET!






So, that's what I think about Katy Perry: Part of Me which comes out July 5th, this Thursday! If you get a chance to see it this weekend tell me what you think. Until then...

Stay excellent,

C.M. xx

Easy felt coffee cozy

It's the first of the month and for some reason I like to post on the first of the month. I meant to blog about this earlier, actually. My mom has been OBSESSED (ob-freaking-sessed) with crocheting. She's been asking me what kind of things I want her to make and I told her I wanted a coffee cozy. She's not quite done yet, but when she is I'll show you all. While she's been working on it I decided to make one out of felt because it's probably my favorite material and I suck at crocheting.

This ceramic coffee cup is a gift from Dalila.

Ka-pow! This is what I came up with. Not really sure why i decided to throw a lighting bolt on it but I wanted some yellow on it. It was really easy, I just folded over a sheet of felt to the desired width. I don't really believe in measuring, haha.

 

Then cut at the top and where you folded so you have two separate pieces.

 

Next, just sew them together with a straight-stitch. You could use a machine if you want to, but I don't have one so mine it's hand-sewn. A whip-stitch would also be really cute.

Then I cut out the lightning bolt shape and sewed it on with a straight stitch. You could also just iron on a cute applique. They have tons at Walmart. I initially cut a slit on either end of the cozy so I could tie it together but my mom added eyelets that make it less likely for the felt to tear from constant use.

It also makes a cute Chihuahua capelet. I think they're in season.

In my free time I'll probably be making more as gifts. :D STAY EXCELLENT.

~C.M. xx

I see what you did thar

So this is just a silly post. Don't know if you're aware, but Blogger is AWESOME and provides blog stats that I can use to track how people find my blog. Sometimes I find funny stuff, like this that I'm going to share with you.

Click to enlarge. Giggity.

Blogger is linked to Google, so whenever some one searches for certain things and click on a link to my blog I get to see what keywords they used. One person searched for "everything that annoys me in one big picture". Ahahaha, I'm not really sure what they were expecting to find... Is that a song lyric or something? Most times I get blog-clicks through Google Images which means, most people aren't reading my blog, they're just looking for a picture.

I do want to thank my friends Yaneth and Laquilla for +1-ing my Mug Cake post. Glad you enjoyed it. :D Okay, I'm out.

Stay excellent.

~C.M. xx

The Infamous Mug Cake

If you're on the internet a lot, more than likely you've stumbled upon THE MUG CAKE. It's a cake, made in the microwave, under 5 minutes. Sounds like a lie, right? A delicious lie. But then you see pictures of successful mug cakes like:

From Southern With a Twist.

AND

From Zoom Yummy.

Looks SO legit. I tried about a year or two ago and... failed. It came out gloopy and tasteless. Being a fan of cake and convenience I wasn't going to let this die. Not when other people around the world are having their cake and eating it to... out of a damn mug no less!

I tried again a couple nights ago with box cake mix since I didn't have any kitchen staples on hand for the recipe I really wanted to try. I followed the directions for the box cake mix mug cake and it came out like....

EW! KILL IT WITH FIRE! DON'T LET IT MARRY!

It came out looking like Tyrannosaurus-rex brains. The consistency was BLECH, as in chewy and weird, like cold oatmeal which is disgusting if you've never had to put that in your mouth. I wasn't about to let this die, though. So yesterday I went out and bought the ingredients needed for this particular recipe. I even bought a new can of Baker's Joy. Rolled up my sleeves, donned my apron. I followed it to a tee. And it still came out as gloop. I did some research and some people (and vegans) tried the same recipe without any eggs. DUH. OF COURSE. Have you ever cooked eggs in a microwave? They come out with a weird consistency. Plus, by cutting out the egg you also cut out the (slim) likelihood of getting Salmonella. This is why you don't eat raw cookie dough or cake batter. Here's how my mug cake came out without the egg:

CHOCOLATE, GET IN MY MOUF.

It actually tasted like cake... or more like a brownie-type cake. That white stuff is whipped icing I put on it while it was still hot. I was too excited to really let it cool. Next time I'll probably put Cool Whip and strawberries on top. If you wish to take on this endevor here's the recipe from Instructables. Note: The recipe on the site and recipe in the Instructables YouTube video differ slightly. I used the one from the site.

5-Minute Chocolate Cake
adapted from Instructables

• coffee mug
• 4 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 4 tablespoons sugar
• 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa
• 2 tablespoons whisked egg  Don't do it unless you want plasma-fied puke.
• 3 tablespoons milk
• 3 tablespoons oil
• splash vanilla or other flavoring 
• 3 tablespoons chocolate chips

Mix all ingredients in together, following the order of the list EXCEPT for the chocolate chips. All mixed? YOU SURE? NO FLOUR UNMIXED? Okay, now you can add in the chocolate chips. It says three tablespoons but really you can add how ever much you want. I also added a sprinkle of instant coffee in because I like coffee and I'm a responsible adult, thank you very much. Also, I find that a FORK is best to use, or even a tiny spatula, that way flour won't get stuck on. Microwave it for 2 minutes and 30 seconds depending on how high your microwave goes, might take less, might take more. My microwave has one setting: OBLITERATE. After that, you eat it! The mug cake... is not a lie.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Stay excellent, until next time.

~C.M.

 

SHIT THAT ANNOYS ME: Nomophobia

Today at school after my BCIS class, which is one of the most mind-numbing courses I've ever taken, I passed by a bulletin board and a report on NOMOPHOBIA was pinned to it. I stopped to skim it. If you're wondering, nomophobia is the faux-scientific term for the fear of losing one's mobile (phone). Silly. After watching Glee and New Girl I stuck around to watch the local news and they did a story (if you can call it that) on this very subject! What a damn coinkidink, y'all. If you'd like to watch it and rot some brain cells and marvel at some of the biggest hair this side of El Rio Grande you can click on this:

CALL ME CRAZY but this all sounds like a bunch of bullshit. If I feel any anxiety over losing my phone it's because 1. it's expensive to replace and mostly 2. it'd upset my parents. My dad's even teased me for having my phone on me all the time. It's his own fault, anyway. My father is MEXICAN and high-strung. He NEEDS to know where I am at all times and freaks out whenever I don't answer my phone. His default thinking leads him to believe I'm in peril at all moments that I'm not within his sight. Oh, and I guess I'm 5 years old too. Bah.

Stay excellent, you guys.

~C.M. xx

Things that are awesome have happened to me

In internet years I've been blogging for quite some time. My first blog was at 14, on Xanga. If you want the link you can FORGET ABOUT IT. Teen angst is best relived never. Then, when that started to go on the out and out I picked up blogging on MySpace. Apparently, unbeknownst to me people actually read my stupid ramblings. Once I even got into a debate with a girl from school in the comments section over whether or not porn empowers or objectifies women to the point where said girl deleted me as a friend and effectively blocked me on Facebook. Powerful stuff, man.

So through my journey of blogging I've discovered the world of what I like to call THE BLOGGER ELITE. People who turned their blogging into jobs or used their blogs to further their small business. I guess all along that's the life I wish for. I want income and adoring fans just by writing, by being myself in word form. ANYWAY, I'm getting all long-winded and look-off-into-the-distance-and-be-deep-y. Among the many bloggers I admire (Keiko Lynn, The Pioneer Woman, on occasion Gala Darling) TWO of them, probably- no, definitely- my favorites have mentioned me on Twitter.

One is the Crafty Chica, Kathy Cano-Murillo. I'm not really sure how I initially heard about her, but as she's 1. crafty and 2. Mexican and proud, finding her was inevitable. If you're into crafts at all, glitter or books about crafty latinas then you should definitely check her out. Now, what transpired a few days ago is this: THE Crafty Chica liked a couple pictures I posted on Instagram. Honestly it could have been a total mistake but damn it I was going to relish it! So I mentioned what happened on Twitter. Then... Kathy replied to me... and said that she loves my blog. YES. THIS BLOG. I KNOW, RIGHT? ZOMGWTFBBQ? LOOK, EVIDENCE!

She also said that I'm AMAZING! I totally spazzed out when I saw this. Kathy, if you're reading this, just know that you totally made my week/month! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

And if that wasn't enough, the other day I decided to catch up on Bakerella's blog since it'd be awhile since I read it and I came across her 2011's wrap up post. (If you don't know Bakerella, she's JUST the creator of cake pops. Yeah, CAKE POPS. She also makes a bunch of other cute confectioneries, so she is a MUST read.) In the post it she described her struggle with a condition that forced her to get hemo-dialysis which is dialysis for your blood, as in, your blood is sucked out, cleaned, and then returned to your body. Terri-fying. Luckily her mother was a match and she was able to get a kidney transplant from her, saving her life and keeping her off hemo-dialysis. When she talked about how thankful she was for everything and everyone who helped her through it I couldn't help but think about how my mom had to endure chemotherapy a few years ago. Going to the cancer treatment center everyday was always a little sad, seeing people so sick and weak. I've never really liked the idea of organ donation, but after reading Bakerella's post, I was moved... and yes, got teary. I think that organ donation is something that I really want to do. I mentioned it on twitter and got a reply from Bakerella.

*hugs Bakerella back* She's the one of the cutest women on the web. Please check her out, you won't regret it. :D

~C.M. xx

SHIT THAT ANNOYS ME: Santana Lopez

Yeah, yeah, I watch Glee, let's get ALLLL those giggles out now. Are you done? Okay. So for my second (I think it's second?) installment of SHIT THAT ANNOYS ME I've decided to blog about a fictional character, Santana Lopez of Glee. I originally planned on posting about this right before the (spoiler alert) episode in which everyone finds out Santana is a lesbian and Finn, of all people makes her realize that she doesn't have to be alone in her struggle and for one lone moment we're lead to believe that the bitch has a heart. Don't get me wrong, Naya Rivera is probably the sweetest person, and hell can she sing, but the way her character has been written rubs me all kind of wrong.

If I remember correctly, Santana is supposed to be Mexican. Naya is partially of Puerto Rican descent for starters. Her Spanish... is not that great. To me, if one is going to portray a Mexican character on TV who is supposedly proud of her roots, wouldn't she be able to speak it a bit better?

Santana is mean, vindictive and manipulative. It's like the only way she can communicate is by being a total BITCH. Is that how Mexican girls are supposed to be portrayed? As firey, hot-tempered super-bitches? I thought maybe after the whole, "we love you as you are, Santana! Being a lesbian isn't the end of the world, Santana!" episode she'd calm down her bitch, but NO. On last night's episode she anonymously complained to the administration about Mr. Shue's lack of passion in teaching Spanish. INSTEAD of addressing him directly as she has had no problem in the past doing, she decided to be underhanded and go over his head.

Also, I know A LOT of people love Brittana but I, for one will call BULLSHIT. BUUUUUUUUUULLLSHIT. Lesbians are awesome and all that. Shit, I've almost never been shy to admit that I find plenty of women attractive but my qualm here is that Santana, again is manipulative. She convinced Brittany that making out with each other was innocent, was not out of love and she pushed her away tons of times. She manipulated Brittany (while she was dating Artie) into believing that their making out wasn't cheating because they were girls. Would someone who truly loves another do that to them? I don't think so. I don't care what orientation you are, that shit DOES NOT FLY. Brittany was more than willing to announce her love for Santana but Ms. Lopez was reluctant to do so. I get it, because she was afraid of her stupid HIGH SCHOOL reputation if it got out that she liked chicks, but hey, for love, wouldn't you do anything? It took her like a season and a half to finally date Brittany in public. If Brittany was my friend, I wouldn't take too kindly to Santana treating her that way.

So what do you think? Do I have Santana all wrong or did I open your eyes to the crappily-written character that she is?

~C.M. xx