Now I know

I'm not sure if my parents really had a plan when they had me. I'm also not sure if I was exactly planned. Not that I doubt that my parents love each other or me, I just wonder how things got to where they are now. We do pretty okay, but considering how much success my mom had in her old job as a teacher I think, "Why didn't we save more?"

My mom was a young, Mexican-American woman when she went to college in the 70's for her teaching degree. She got grants and scholarships since women like her were few and far between at that time. These days, being a Mexican-American girl with a B-average you're not going to find many people wanting to give you free money in this state unless you're going to be a damn engineer. My parents were counting on me to have college taken care of with free money. That's not how it worked out. I haven't taken out an ass-load of loans, but I would have liked to not taken out ANY. I worry all the time how I'm going to pay back that debt.

My parents didn't start a college fund for me. I don't exactly resent them for it, I just wish they had. I wish they would have saved for a lot of things. One thing I'm adamant about is starting a college fund for my non-existant children. I don't want them to struggle with money when they should just worry about getting their degree and being a college kid, if that's what they want to do.

I worry about how I'm going to pay for ANYTHING when I'm older... which is why the second I got a job, I opened a savings account. I started a very tiny nest egg. Right now the money is for school next semester and possibly for a down payment on an apartment. I want to plan for everything, which is something I doubt my parents did much of.  Perhaps they did have a plan but they didn't plan incase that plan didn't work out. We've seemed to struggle a bit with money ever since my dad's recording studio went under, something neither he or my parents' credit ever recovered from.

Credit cards, to me, are the craziest thing. Up until maybe five/six  years ago I didn't understand how they or loans worked. The idea of buying something with fake money, then pay it back over a period of time totally didn't register with me. I thought, "Why buy something if you can't afford to pay for all of it?" I can understand how this is helpful when buying a car or a house, but pretty much everything else I think should be bought if you have the funds for it. Financing a laptop? Sorry, but that sounds pretty silly to me. You finance a Ducati, not a Dell.

I plan on saving and investing for my retirement soon. Sounds like a really stupid, hopeful thing to do at 21 but holy shit, have you seen the economic state we're in? There's a good chance that no one, not my job, or the company I work for will take care of that for me so I have to plan my own retirement. A lot of this thinking has been with me for awhile but my economics class is really egging me on to get it done. I may not have a real good idea of what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to be somewhat well off and responsible with my money when I get there.

~C.M. xx

Four star daydream

Seems like my life is always in some kind of tiny crisis. The latest one involves employment. Remember that new girl that started at my job a couple of weeks ago? Yeah, well something came up in her record or something so she's been let go. The girl was kind of a ditz though, to be honest. Nice, but a little ditzy. Apparently she did pretty well at work with the little (but important) tasks, aside from accidentally selling a policy to herself. Anyway, the point is, I'm still the only bilingual person at work and totally not getting paid for it. It's not so much about the money, while would be nice to have some more cash, it's more about feeling like my time there is worth it. Yeah, I get paid SOME commission but I hate working on commission. It's a bit more stressful than I'd like considering I get paid less than a cashier at Walmart.

So, I wanted to quit my job pretty soon because I'm feeling burntout and trapped. I tell my mom about my plan and she was mostly okay with it. Then I told my dad... welp, he didn't like the idea too much. He wants me to have a job before I quit the one I have now, which I agree would be the best thing to do but I'm a weakling, I'm tired all the time, and my immunity has gone to shit since working at Insurance Place. I'm DONE. If I wait to get a new job then I could be at Insurance Place for another five months, or longer. Plus, it's hard to set-up job interviews when I'm unavailable 60% of the hours in the week. So, I was feeling pretty hopeless but then my mom... My awesome, genius of a mom suggested I apply to be a substitute teacher as a back up. If they hire me and set me up to have orientation in January I can go ahead and quit, exhaust my time with school and looking for a new job but if nothing comes up I can still count on the substituting job. I'm not ecstatic about it, considering I'm not sure how qualified I am to substitute but I'm glad that a plan has been set forth!

I guess I'm feeling a little more driven lately. I'm just not happy with my lack of results so all I can do is work harder to get what I want, which in the short run is a better job and possibly a new place to live. Still trying to figure that second one out. I could be stuck living with some relatives, while are caring and generous, are also overbearing, pushy and have very different political/religious views as me. I can only keep my mouth shut for so long. I need more freedom, not less of it.

Sorry to go on ranting about. I know most of you probably don't care about this, but I suppose I just needed to see it typed out. I'll probably be bitching about money and my relationship with it pretty soon.

Stay excellent,

~C.M. xx

I know what my addiction is

Hi all. This is just an update-y blog post for today. I had some ideas for other blogs, but being so busy sucks the damned life out of me... which is what I'm basically going to bitch about in this post.

I've been working at Insurance Place for over four months now. It hasn't gotten any less sucky. If anything it's probably more sucky. I've been the only bilingual person there for about a month and a half which really blows since like 80% of our customers are Spanish-only. My manager/boss finally hired a new girl who started today. I won't get to see what she's like until tomorrow since I'm at school today. I'm hoping she'll be my ticket out of there. I plan to quit by early November but certain circumstances might force me to wait it out or possibly work harder towards finding another job so I won't have any lapses in employment. It's hard out there for a pimp.

I've thought about doing some research on screenprinting. Most of you probably know my crafty nature and how I like to make stuff and since I love t-shirts it might be a great marriage. I would love to sell things on Etsy again. It would be a great fall-back plan that would bring in SOME kind of money if I end up jobless for an extended amount of time which is very, very possible. I does suck that I have this experience in insurance that I'll probably never use in any other job that I will hold in the future.

I know not many people read my blog but I'm just wondering.. should I update more often? Do you guys care about what concerts I go to? What bitches piss me off at school and/or work? What I think about the failed Qwikster? How much Tumblr sucks? Again, just wondering.

October's been busy and it's kinda good. Life isn't that shitty at the moment. I'm mostly content which is... actually great. I guess I'm already infected with the joyfulness of the impending holidays... and impending peppermint mochas at Starbucks NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM. Welp, I suppose I don't have much else to say for now, but please leave comments or something and let me know what I should blog about and stuff... Kay?

STAY EXCELLENT, LIKE A BOSS.

~C.M. xx

SHIT THAT ANNOYS ME: American Apparel and their BIG Problem

I'm a consumer. As gross as it is sometimes, I do like to shop and I realize that by shopping at certain places it's kind of like I'm promoting the ideals of said store, and it says something about me. But sometimes some things are so good to worry about how douche-y it makes me seem. One of those being... American Apparel.

This is a pretty typical American Apparel ad. They're heavy on the sex appeal and minimalism. It's a hipster store, pretty much. Everything is expensive, but it's also made in the U.S. of A. No overseas sweatshops to keep the prices low. I LOVE their men's t-shirts. Super comfy and they keep well. I still have an American Apparel tee that I bought in '06 with no holes or wear. Anyway, since I'm plus-size I can only wear the men's clothing for the most part and some accesories. Recently American Apparel announced a plus-sized model search and the introduction of a size XL for women, which is about a 12/14, still too small for me, womp womp. Despite not being big enough for chunky me I was excited and continued to read the announcement and noticed some odd... language. For one thing the contest was looking for "The Next Big Thing". The description of the contest went on and on with euphemistic fattie jargon. I thought it was kind of weird and for a moment thought to comment on the story which popped up in my Facebook feed but I'd once pointed out anti-fat promos on Forever 21's page before and it was a headache. I bit my digital tongue... but I wasn't the only one who noticed, and not everyone was so quiet about the sourness this contest left.

This awesome gal named Nancy Upton decided to enter the contest as a joke and as a big fuck you to American Apparel for being pretty insensitive. Her pictures mocked the idea that some people have of fat girls; that they only eat and lounge around. She ended up winning the popular vote. I'm only now blogging about this since she was interviewed on the Today Show this morning and revealed that American Apparel has invited her to see their warehouse in L.A. but only after writing her a smug, arrogant open letter.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

This isn't the first time American Apparel has had it's run-in with strong-minded plus-sized girls. A few years back, model (mostly of the erotic kind) April Flores, was told by American Apparel that 12+ sized women were "not in their demographic". It really upsets me when stuff like this comes up. It's kind of a back-and-forth thing with me since I want to lose weight for several reasons, one being to fit into cute clothes, and the other side that just wishes that retailers would offer more stylish/affordable clothing in my size! I've also been paying more attention to advertising lately and so much of it that's geared to women also comes along with the idea that you should be thin. It's a struggle, but when I feel unsexy and meh I can now look up to chicks like Nancy Upton who don't take shit from NOBODY, not even BIG retailer giants.

-C.M. xx

OBSESSED: Ramona Flowers

Decided on mostly a whim to look up some Ramona Flowers cosplay and found a cute picture so I thought I'd share them here. I'll try to give credit where credit is due.

I like this one a lot. For one, she's smiling and it's simple. I think it would be even cuter with fishnets but uh, I might be biased on that one.

A little tiny bit NSFW but still pretty cute. The shorts and bra are still pretty Ramona-y. But I saved the best find for last!

Not sure if she managed to get a picture of the completed outfit but upon stumbling onto this adorable-ass girl on Flickr I found links to her blog which is equally if NOT MORE CUTE. She blogged about this costume here. I'm so jealous of all her skills and love her style. Already hooked on her blog even though it puts mine to SHAME-Y SHAME SHAME. *adds to favorites* Anywho, just a couple of other cute Ramona things...

Isn't it cute?! I fucking love it! Too bad it's only in JUNIOR sizes though... which are not plus-size friendly but oh well. If you want to buy this shirt and rub it in my face you can do so here.

This picture also lead me to a new favorite obsession (Crafty Crafty Blogazine). It's so perfect and awesome! This bag is actually for sale on Etsy and I want it so bad but not a-hundred-and-thirty-dollars-bad. Yep, that's how much this fantasmagasmic purse will run you since it's handmade and comes straight from Brazil. There's other colors too which makes it so much harder to say no (or so much easier to say to DIY?)

ENOUGH PICTURES. Okay, I must retire to my bed since I've been exhausted for about two weeks. Don't worry, I'll be bitchi- I mean, blogging about that soon. Until then, stay excellent, bros.

-C.M. xx

SHIT THAT ANNOYS ME: Sandals with ankle warmers

I'm probably not the coolest person out there. Well, that's actually a big understatement. I'm not hip or in. I sometimes might act grandma-ish about new things/trends I don't understand and well, those things might annoy me so now I'm going to bitch about SHIT THAT ANNOYS ME. First up are these sandals with ankle-warmer things on them.

What... What does? Who the? THIS IS FUGLY. I apologize deeply if you have these, and sure you can give me shit about being some narrow-minded, no-style bum but these make no sense to me. What the hell is this? The 1920s? Can't show your ankles lest the townspeople think you a slut!

Oh, come on, really? What the fuck? These would be cool if they were apart of some Star Wars outfit, but that's really the only reasonable situation in which it would be OKAY to don these.

Keep your toes fresh and your ankles nice and toasty. I guess? What baffles me more about these shoes, if you can call them that, is that they've been around for awhile yet people CONTINUE TO WEAR THEM. What exactly is the appeal?

-C.M. xx

OBSESSED: Scooters

I've wanted a scooter for the longest. I can't really remember when I fell in love with them, but I soon had my eyes on a Vespa. The "original" so to speak. It's Italian, so of course it's THE scooter. But do you know how much a Vespa is? They START at $4,700. Which is cheap, for a vehicle but DAMN. I just don't have that money to blow... but now... since I have a job I do have some income and I'll looking into scooters again. :D

So, I've narrowed it down. I either want this Geniune Stella 4-stroke, 147 CC scooter (that'll go about 55-60 mph, if you're wondering)...

This color is called "Avocado Green"... Mmmm... 

OR!

A 2009 Yamaha Vino 125 (CCs), which isn't as retro looking but GEEZE LOUISE, look at that paint job!

It's the prettiest purple-y red I've ever seen. Now, the biggest difference between these two besides the CCs is the price. The Stella is only slightly cheaper than a Vespa at $3,600. The Yamaha Vino is easily the cheapest scooter I've been able to find from a reputable manufacture at $2,899. I've found a nearby dealer who'll sell one of the Vinos brand new at $2,400. I've also got to factor in costs for accessories, classes, license and insurance. BLUH. Honestly, I want the Stella more (it has a cute little hook for groceries or a purse!), but my pocketbook likes the Vino much better.

Thoughts?

~C.M. xx

REVIEW: Nads

Being Mexican is great, I'm not gonna lie. I love the food, the culture, the music (sometimes) and I think that comes across pretty well, but there's one thing I don't like about being a Mexican chick. My 'stache. Yep, if you didn't know, us Mexican girls are prone to getting a little bit hairy on our upper lips. Sure, it's not usually too thick or anything but it's a bit of an annoyance that we probably don't talk about too often.

I've done all kinds of depilatory methods on my upper lip and eyebrows. Waxing, threading, Nair, laser and even electrolysis. If you're wondering, electrolysis is probably the most painful even on the lowest settings and it didn't work too well for me, so no, I do not recommend it. Most effective? Laser, hands down. It is painful, but it's pretty much like waxing; hurts like a mother for three seconds but you don't have to do it again for 2-5 weeks. Anyway, so the point of this post is to tell you about my experience with Nads, which is a water-soluble sugary-molasses mix that you use like wax. Slather it on, put on a cloth strip, rip it off and bam, hair is gone. Or is it?

I read the directions carefully because the last thing I want to do is fuck up when I have to work the next damn day. Use cleansing wipe and dry completely. Okay, did that. Apply gooey stuff in direction of hair growth. Okay, did that. Place cloth on the gel, smooth down 3-4 times in direction of hair growth. Okay, did that. Now rip it off against the hair growth, close to the skin and pull skin taut. Okay, did that... Now, why is my upper lip not completely bare?

I tried several times and only once got some fine hairs to come off, but no real luck. It could be because it was hot today, and hot in my lavatory. Or maybe I put a bit too much. I'm going to use the exfoliating scrub tonight and try again tomorrow to see what the results will be, but for now it's looking like a dud which is a little bit of a shame since I wanted it to work so much. It's water-soluble! It's made from natural ingredients! You don't have to warm it up! It's non-toxic! The cloth strips are re-useable! So many pluses, except... it doesn't work just right... yet.

-C.M. xx

Addict

She stood there, eyes starting to brim with her palm out. The torn condom wrapper sat there, unaware of the firestorm I just knew was about to start. What the hell did it care anyway? It already fufilled it's destiny. Fucking wrapper. It's the tell-tale heart, beating madly to the pulse of the vein in my fiancee's forehead. Though, it's not really the wrapper's fault. I should have just thrown it away NOT at home. Suddenly I realized I had spaced out while personifying the trash extended towards my face. Guilt and regret washed over me momentarily before being replaced with dread again.

"What-", she started.

"I..."

She looked away and  swallowed with much effort like she'd just ingested a golfball. Lowering her hand, averting her gaze she began again,

"When were you going to tell me?"

"I... I'm horrible. Baby... I..."

Her hands twisted into fists and I flinched as she raised them to her mouth,

"I knew it all along."

"I'm sorry. Baby, you gotta-"

"I always knew you were a sex addict."

I blinked. What. What just. Sex addict?

She started towards me, finally crying and struggling to talk through her small sobs,
"I just want you to know that I love you, and we're going to get you help. Okay, honey?"

She wrapped her arms around my middle and before I knew what was happening I squeaked in reply,
"It's just been so hard."

Was I really saying these words? God, I truly am dispicable. How the fuck did she diagnose me as a sex addict? Should I tell her it was just the one time? Just the one girl? Wait a minute... maybe this is a trap...

She pulled away and looked up at me with teary, sincere eyes, "We have an appointment tomorrow with a therapist. My parents tell me that she's great."

Definitely a trap! Wait, did she just admit that one of her parents is a sex addict? I realized my face was wet too and I wondered where those tears were all stored up.

"Okay, baby. I can't believe you understand."

"Of course I understand," She said with a kiss on the cheek.

I. Am. Horrible.

(And that's all I have for now!)

~C.M. xx

In the sun

It's been like a million years since I've posted. I couldn't even remember the last thing I wrote here. I had to go back and read it. Anyway... How've you been? How are the kids? Y'mind if I get come ice cream? Okay, cool... Is this the drawer you keep your spoons in?

Sorry, I'm hungry. I don't even want ice cream I just want chips and salsa. Speaking of which, remember when I said I wanted to lose 40 pounds? Well, I was doing okay, counting calories, weighing myself daily and shit and then, well I got a job so that's all gone out the window for now. I've no idea how much I weigh but my parents SWEAR I've lost weight. I don't know how. I sit all day and let my mind drift in between helping customers. Oh, and I eat crap for lunch. Chicken nuggets, orange chicken, cheese pizza, iced coffee.. I sell insurance, by the way. If you're wondering what that's like... well it's like selling insurance. I'm not going to admit that I hate the job via the internet, but let's just say that this employment has given me an opportunity to figure out what I REALLY want to do. Which is NOT sell insurance. You know what, I'd be okay going the rest of my life never selling anything for commission again. Money doesn't motivate me much. I have an hourly wage already, telling me that if I shaft this person out of 40 dollars of their hard earned money so that I can get a cut of it won't really make me want to charge them 40... How about 10? Is 10 good? No? I'm fired? Okay.

That's really all I've been up to. I did attend A-Kon this year, and it was a lot of fun actually. I thought it'd be lame with the insane amount of people and the fact that I couldn't go all day because of my new job, but it turned out rather nice. I'm pretty excited for Animefest as well, so yaaaaaaaay. If you're wondering how I'm fairing after another "break-up" well, as you can see I'm feeling dandy and this summer has been tons better than last year's.

Not really much else to report other than I was stricken with the urge to write (FINALLY!) and I'll be posting the little bit of what I have so far in a minute. Oh, I should also REALLY change my layout. Would someone like to assist me?

~C.M. xx

But I can't handle it when I turn off my night light

I was quite literally terrified. I was so afraid to let anyone in... but you calmed my nerves. You made it seem so easy and painless. I was happy again. Really, truly giddy. But now I feel so alone. Life is gray all over again. Is this all my fault? What did I possibly do wrong? I'm above begging at this point. I'm won't force anyone to stay with me if they no longer want me. I just wonder why and how this happened. Why put so much effort just to let it fall apart in months? And was I wrong to trust you? Was I wrong to shake off the walls I had put up?

-C.M. xx

Baby, if I got you I don't need a parachute

I'm lonely. Again. And I absolutely hate it. You'd think that growing up alone, with no siblings would condition me into always being by myself. It seems like it's almost the opposite. I like to be noticed. I like attention. Now, I'm not saying that I like to be a spectacle or that I like being overdramatic in order to elicit a response... I just like feeling special sometimes. Is that really such a bad thing? Is it selfish of me, or just human?

All I'm certain of is just how shitty I feel. I'm always conflicted. Always at odds with myself. I feel like a brat, and I feel justified. I simply just want hugs and kisses. I want romance. I want a pair of arms to run to when I'm scared, or just when I'm feeling dejected and shunned from the world. I would love to feel safe again.

No one ever said this would be easy.

~C.M. xx

Born this way

Today is the day for Monsters all over the world. If you're a Lady Gaga fan, then you know all about it. Her new single titled, "Born This Way" was released today in the early hours. She's been hinting towards the lyrics and message for months now, so has the hype lived up to the song? I'm currently listening to the track for the second time, and I'm going to say that it's one of those songs that need to grow on me like, "California Gurls". I'm in no way comparing the two songs, so don't jump down my throat just yet. "Born This Way" is surprisingly, a disco track. Even though it's only been out for a few hours, there are already people comparing it to Madonna's "Express Yourself", so much to the point that "Express Yourself" was trending on Twitter. Now, a lot of folks are up in arms over this and are just bitch, bitch, bitching to no end. I felt it was my duty as a fan (not quite to Monster level yet) of Lady Gaga's to say that if the similarities are so obvious to everyone, including me, don't you think that it was intentional? Do you really think Gaga was sitting in her studio, rubbing her paws (pun intended) together and scheming, "Ahahaha! They'll never know what I'm being influenced by!" Of course not. It was deliberate, just as everything else is in the Biz. Man, I sound legit, don't I?

Now, I've also noticed that this has somehow sparked a new flame between Britney Spears' fans and Gaga's. Honestly, I think it's a load of shit. The girls are completely different artists and can't really be compared. The only thing they have in common is that both of their music falls under the "Pop" category, and that's really about all. I've been reading Britney fangirls/boys saying, "OH WELL HOLD IT AGAINST ME SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER." Perhaps in your opinion it's "better", but again, they can't be compared. If you want to know my two cents as far as "Hold It Against Me" here goes: I'd dance to it, but I wouldn't listen to it because I wanted to. I mean seriously, who wrote those lyrics? You feel like paradise? How the hell does one feel like paradise? Don't get me wrong, I love Britney and always have since I was like, 9 but I liked "Radar" and "Womanizer" much better. That's shit I actually have on my iPod.

All I'm saying is calm the hell down, everyone. And for the record, while I kind of like "Born This Way" it's just a decent song. Nothing like "Alejandro" or "Bad Romance". Here's hoping for kick-ass-i-er music from the rest of Gaga's album. Anyway, this has gone on longer than I wanted, but there's my opinion if you were wondering... Which you probably weren't. Stay excellent.

-C.M. xx

I'm happy wondering

ZOMG, it's a chihuahua!

I had completely forgotten that I haven't introduced you all to someone yet! He's my new chihuaha, Chachi. :) My parents aquired him from a woman who was moving and could no longer keep him. His original name was Paco, but that was a tad too generic. I used to be (and still kinda am) a fan of the show Happy Days. Eyyyyy. Lame? A little? Okay.

Well, anywho, he's super sweet and keeps me laughing. I use him as a hot water bottle sometimes when it gets really cold. It's mutual. We went to the park the other day and he found a pine cone he rather liked. OMNOMNOM. But yeah... he's kinda weird at times, but I really like that about him.

Here's me and the rat. Ain't he adorable? This is when we took him to Petsmart one day. Speaking of the rat, he just jumped onto my lap right now and he's resting his little head on my arm. D'awwwww! Brb, gonna hug him and annoy 'im with baby-talk.

-C.M. xx

Secret #8

I sometimes wish that I could be a burlesque dancer. You know, if I had the body and the money for all the bitchin' outfits.

~C.M. xx

It's been a long time since before I've been touched

First post of the month... First post of the fucking YEAR. Yeah. I wish I could say that this post will be epic, but when are my blogs ever anything more than mediocre? At least I'm consistently average. Hey, people pay GOOD MONEY for consistency in their lives.  Well, they probably don't, but people appreciate consistence. Probably.

So, how did you spend your Christmas/New Year's Eve? I spent it with family and friends! Yeah, rather awesome. I got some pretty bitchin' gifts, though I think this year it's only become more obvious to me that I prefer giving gifts to getting them, at least when Christmas is concerned. I also celebrated my 21st year upon Earth's earthy soil. Birthday presents. I love getting them. Perhaps it's because I rarely get them. Since my birthday is so close to Christmas people like to jip me. "Oh, this is for Christmas and your birthday," Pffft. I'm kidding, I know money gets tight around the holidays, so really getting a birthday card would probably make me all kinds of happy. Oh, oreos could be a good gift too. Or cherry lollipops. Just saying.

Did you make a New Year's Resolution? Yeah, I didn't. I couldn't think of a good one and still haven't. Some people have suggested that maybe I resolve to curse less. Ha. Yeah. No. I would like to lose 40 pounds this year, but I haven't done much to reach that goal other than GET DAMN FOOD POISONING ON MY BIRTHDAY. Ugh, spent the morning in the ER because I felt SO miserable. Only recently have I been able to actually eat food without some kind of fear/apprehension. I STILL haven't had any birthday cake, which is honestly the only thing I was looking forward to on my 21st birthday... Psssh, I know I'm lame, you musn't remind me! You know what sounds amazing right now? A Five Guys burger. Yeah, I think my 40 extra pounds and I are going to continue to be joined by the fatty tissue during 2011. Was that a gross image? Sorry.

Well, over the weekend, I went to an audition for an Oxygen reality show from which a new Glee cast member will be chosen. I think I'll make a separate post for that because this one is starting to get kind of long. Is that what she said? It might be. It might be. Okay, I'm out for now. Stay excellent.

~C.M. xx