Loss and death is a weird thing and we all deal with it differently. It usually makes us uncomfortable. My mom, for instance will talk about inane things, focus on everything except the person who's most likely on their deathbed. My father, seems to be incredibly uncomfortable in hospitals and seems to have a similar tactic. He makes silly jokes that fall flat in the midst of a somber mood. I'm not sure how I deal with it. I guess I'm usually quiet and I scowl a lot. Not because I'm mad but probably because I'm just trying to figure out how I'm supposed to feel.
My great aunt just passed away. I wasn't incredibly close to her but I do know that she was a sweet woman who was esentially the core of her family. I probably would not be so affected by her death if my maternal grandmother hadn't passed away two years ago. It's something I still grapple with today. You'd think after so many months it just gets easier, but it all just stays the same, you're still without that person in your life. There's so many parallels with my great aunt's death and my grandmother. I'm here in the same city. She's in the same hospital. Everyone has the same pained faces, same worry and panic. More than likely tonight's events will be the same. Everyone will speak in soft tones and find the softest spot in their heart from which pours geuine kindness. We'll all bring food and talk. We'll all be together even though we're not all that close, but that's something death does. It brings people together in all settings.
With her passing it just makes me realize that time stops for no one. It will keep marching on with or without you. I'm now struck with a panic, panic that my great aunt, who I am particularly close with especially since my grandmother's decline in health, will be next. Seeing her go will be very painful, I know this now. It feels almost like a betrayl, that I will miss this person more than another, but I guess that's just how life is. You'll be magnetized closer to some more than others, you'll care more. That's just how the pieces will fall in life.
And again, as time marches on it will not stop for my mother. It will not stop for my father. And when they pass I will be alone. I have no brothers or sisters. Seeing my great aunt at the hospital last night I saw her daughters there, all three of them. They are a team that can get through this together. I will not have that. I will be alone. Yes, I'll have my family but at the end of it all I will simply be alone. And I truly have felt alone a lot lately so perhaps that's another reason why I'm thinking about this. I'm just dreading every passing moment that will lead me to be that daughter, at a bedside. Alone.
