Secret #1

When I type a blog post... I think about what I'm writing in a British accent.

~C.M.

My heart is drenched in wine

Hello. So, it's been brought to my attention that my blog titles are sometimes... alarming. I'm going to give this disclaimer. If you know something about me, it ought to be that I'm a bit of an audiophile and all around music lover. Good lyrics are one of the things I like most about life and living. I like certain lyrics so much that I often want to incorporate them into my living so, I've done this by using some of my favorite lyrics as my blog titles. So if you read anything like, "The truth is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt," it's not because I actually agree with this sentiment, it's because it's one of the most horribly fantastic Taking Back Sunday lyrics and I wanted to use it in something. All clear? Perfect.

So, my hormones are putting me through the wringer. You thought I was a shoddy mess before? You ought to see me spontaneously cry over a cute puppy video. Seriously, it's one of the most pathetic things I've done. Being jilted and overly-estrogenized is truly a horrible thing. If you're picking up on my morbid humor, go buy yourself something nice. You deserve it.

All jokes aside, it has been hard, as it has been for over a month. I miss him more than I can bear... Of course, I use humor to cover it all up. No one can laugh at you if you starting laughing at yourself first, right? Then they'd be laughing with you and what fools that'd make them.

To get off that angsty subject, why don't I show you a picture of my hair.

True to form, I managed to fuck it up a bit. It's still brown in some spots and not horridly black like I wanted it. Actually, it's not really that blue anymore. Wah. I still like it though. I love how my hair is all one uniform color again. What do you think?

Alright, I think I've bored you all enough. If you'd like to be nice and leave me comments that'd certainly be something I'd approve of. Let's banter.

~C.M.

Sink or swim

I'm not entirely sure how many other people have noticed this, but I think I ought to draw some attention to it anyhow... How many of you have seen this sign?

Now, I'm probably the only one on the planet that has ever given this a second thought... but why do employees have to be reminded to wash their hands? Are these employees incapable of remembering one of the most simple rules of hygenie? Seriously, have you ever stopped to ponder? Reading it again, I'm not sure I wanna be here if people are going to FORGET to wash their hands and shit.  Does it have to specify, "before returning to work"? Hell, I'd make a sign to remind EVERYONE to wash their hands before they do anything! Also, not that I'm anal about cleanliness, but I've been noticing in the women's public restrooms across town, that most women don't really... wash their hands. Sure, they run their hands under the water, slap some soap on, but they don't... wash. I try to make a habit of washing my hands with plenty of soap and lather for at least 20 seconds. I don't just rub my palms together either, I'm washing the hell out of the spaces in between my fingers. If you don't wash your hands properly, I'm not saying that you're a horrible person, but you better get your shit together. You're probably the reason Swine Flu happened. Just saying.

The ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away

It's Thursday. I'm at home. Typing this. To make the situation even sadder I'm probably just going to end up watching Degrassi later on. I guess I am feeling better than I was a couple of days ago. Loads of limeade do the trick, apparently.

A friend came to me for help the other day. I hadn't realized how good it felt to be on the other side of the tracks again. Someone was seeking me out for advice. It felt great... It almost made me feel normal again. Distractions are much appreciated these days. A thank you goes out to him this week.

Something has vexed me a bit though. One of my favorite YouTube stars, Natalie Tran had been MIA for almost a month. She finally posted a video today apologizing for her absence. She also mentioned that she's been having a really crappy time. I don't know this girl personally, but as someone who's made me laugh I guess I feel some kind of connection to her. YouTube stars are different from other celebrities... They seem more real and they interact with their audience a lot more than say... Linday Lohan or Tila Tequila would. Natalie almost seems like a close friend of mine and it bothers me that she's been having a shitty time too. If you want to be nice, go leave her loving comments on her channel. You'll get brownie points from me. Hell, I might even send you a present for doing so if you send me the screenshot.

You want to know something else I've realized? I'm a bit of a sucker for people who laugh at my jokes. That goes for anyone, male or female. I think that why I keep most of my friends around. They appreciate my humor and that goes quite a long way for a chubby girl. Anyway, to end this post I'll leave you with one of my favorite Natalie Tran videos.

~C.M.

Hearts

 Short story I wrote some time ago.
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The only thing that breaks the silence is the shuffling of the pages she turns. I'm sitting across from her in the Library as she leafs through her Physics book. I cross and uncross my ankles underneath the table. It's almost been a week since the party. I wonder if she remembers anything from the evening.

I blink as she looks up at me, noticing my gaze. I had been staring. She smiles and half-scowls, then returns to her studying. God, she is absolutely stunning. Green eyes, soft dirty blonde hair... petite and kind. I've never had a bigger crush on anyone.

That night at the house party, I was calmly sitting on the porch, nursing a bottle of water. The night air was heavy with humidity. "Hey you," She breathed into my ear from behind me. I had nearly had a heart attack. I noticed she was slurring her words when she had asked if it was cool if she sat with me. I smiled warmly and nodded.

She clears her throat and my heart stops for a moment. She holds her head in her hand and sighs as she re-reads a paragraph. My tongue tingles with questions I want so desperately to ask... but I'm afraid. What if she shot me down? Denied it all and stormed out?

I frown slightly and glance at her hands... Her slender, elegant, feminine hands. I can nearly feel them running over my—

"Is there a formula chart in this thing?" She half-whispered to me.

I widen my eyes, shake my head feverishly and start to blush as I scribble nonsense into my notebook, pretending to be busy. Still, my thoughts stray back to the way she grinned at me and told me I was pretty. She leaned in and planted a kiss on my lips. It was only for a second (and she passed out afterward) but it was like time had froze. I look at her now, focusing on her reading, struggling to cram as much information into her head. The morning after the party she acted normal... besides dashing into the restroom to retch. I sigh, and realize that I am terribly and hoplessly in love with my roommate.

Empty

Another story...
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The hardwood floors were cold and creaked with emptiness. A chilly draft blew around my ankles as I stood in his room. Only a bed remained. His books, his clothes, his desk were all gone. I looked to the window to see clouds looming low in the sky. So suitable.

Slowly, I walked towards the bed and curled upon it. I found myself retreating into a fetal position. I glanced around and realized that the room was actually quite big... now that there was nothing in it. I closed my eyes, imagining that nothing had changed. He was still with me. He was still in the living room, watching the Food Network. I wasn't really alone. He hadn't met a gorgeous woman named Julia... He hadn't taken her to dinner in my car... He hadn't gone up to her apartment... He hadn't fallen out of love with me.

It was just a nightmare and I would wake up soon. Just a very bad dream... I hadn't found pictures of them together on his laptop... I hadn't lied to him and said I wouldn't be home... I hadn't waited around for him.. and I hadn't yelled at him the second he walked in the door. Julia hadn't walked in after him or demanded to know who I was. She hadn't called him a bastard and pulled a gun from her purse. She hadn't screamed and pulled the trigger... He hadn't been struck with the bullet, and crumpled to the floor. He hadn't died at the doorway as her eyes welled with tears. Julia hadn't dropped the pistol in the growing pool of scarlet blood and whispered, "I'm sorry," before stumbling away in a daze.

Just a nightmare... a terrible nightmare. My eyes shot open, and my face was wet.... but I was still in his room, and it was still empty.

The First Time

An old story that I wrote a while back... Tell me what you think, maybe?

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For a moment, I wasn't alone in the break room, staring at the Coke machine... I was right there with you, in your room, surrounded by posters of comic book heroes. It was dimly lit... I could barely make out the faint smile on your face as I pulled my shirt over my head.

A clanking sound made me jump, and I realized that my soda had been dispensed. If you must ask, yes, I did think about you at the most mundane times... While I was waiting for coffee, sending an email, watching my dinner be microwaved, during commercials, when I was drying my hair...

It had been so long that I didn't know if I even missed you anymore. All I knew for sure was that I still hated couples with a vengeance. At the mall, when I go to people watch, there will be two teenagers, madly in love. They'll begin to kiss at the fountain in the food court, which sends me and my strawberry-banana smoothie over to the bookstore. Do they remind me of us? I'm not so sure myself.

I took my drink with me over to the communal break room table. The air was cold and it freezed my toes. I began to regret buying the Coke. I sat there the whole thirty minutes, never opening the can. I decided to leave it there, in case someone else wanted it...