I'll never be the same

Just when you think things are looking up they go, "Fuck you, of course you're going to feel worse." And I do. Every part of me is in battle with itself. I'm vulnerable and I know it. My body is reacting by making me... hard. Bitter. I haven't been this way in a really long time. It's kind of scary. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be mad. To be honest, I wish I could sleep for years... but I know the pain would still be there regardless of how long I sleep.

I still wonder what I did wrong, though most times I think it's because of my weight... Or maybe I should have done this or that better. Other times I think I didn't really do anything wrong, I've just made the world mad at me for being so mean to myself. Correcting whatever mistakes I've made will take a very long time. I need to do it myself, I know, but... right now I'm terribly weak. So... so... weak. I never know what to do with myself anymore. I'm just going through the motions of living, if that's what you call this. What happens from here? I ask that like I don't know the answer, but I do. I made a promise. My heart... has settled on a decision, though it does pulsate with indecision sometimes. I know what happens from here, in a way... I will lock my heart away. I will wait. I will be stuck. I'll always be in love. Nothing will ever change that, and I know it. I'm scared. I'm tired of being hurt, but I must do this. I must... live. I can't sleep forever.

~C.M.

Succinct is my maiden name

"This may sound crazy but I wanna come back home. That's it I said it now I'm sailing off to Neverland and then Japan. So think real slow (Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no) about the way you wanna go, 'cause you may forget the way to get back home." - Relient K

~C.M.

Just let me sit and rot

Today was a bit of a hard day. Emotions abound. Was feeling really bitter, then really hurt. For now I've just buried my feelings so that I can function. I try not to think so much but memories are everywhere. Being on the verge of tears during everyday life is no way to live but I can't help but wonder "Why me?" every now and then.

Aside from all that ugliness that's become a common obstacle for me my day wasn't completely horrible. I've dyed my hair blue black. I shall post pictures when I can. To be honest, I wasn't expecting the chemical smell to be so strong. Seriously, I feel like my nose is going to bleed at any second. Until next time.

~C.M.

Change, I'm sometimes impartial to you

Another sleepless night, another silly blog. Anyway, so look what I ate for dinner...

It's a red velvet cupcake. Set me back four big ones but honestly, it was worth it. Eating my feelings has never tasted so good. I got it from this place called...

Dimples. Their cupcakes are really pretty good. I wouldn't say that they're the best that I've tried, but they're a super close second in the area. I plan on doing a more extensive review once I'm not lazy.

So, I've mentioned how I'm kind of on the fence about dyeing my hair pink. I've been doing some research and stuff. I've found a few pictures of pink hair that I like. Here's a couple.

Isn't just gorgeous? I think this is a picture of a bride on her wedding day. I love the hairstyle and the color.

I'm considering this style as well since I'm not too sure if I wanna go balls deep in pink. Wait, that sounded totally inappropriate...

Anyway, I've got a few more pictures of pink hair I'd like to post but I shall save them for another time. Now, I shall play "At Seventeen" on repeat and dream about cherry Coke.

~C.M.

Wail

I had a weird thought the other night... I was having trouble falling asleep again. I was feeling alone. I lied on my back, sheet pulled up to my chin as I stared at the swirls in the paint on the ceiling. And then I heard it. A soft wail faraway. An ambulance was charging down a nearby street. It... calmed me. It made me feel not so alone as morbid as that is. I live in a really huge city (population: approximately 2 million) so hearing a police siren isn't uncommon. I guess we can blame this on nurture.

I have family that lives in a drastically smaller town (population: approximately 55,000) and when I go to visit there... it's so quiet. It's almost unsettling how little noise there is, especially at night. Most of the stores and restaurants close around 8 p.m. I think sometimes I have an even harder time falling asleep. Siren wails make me realize that there's still civilization out there. I'm not completely alone in the dark. There are still people out there living their lives.

~C.M.

El Oh Vee Ee

I wrote this... essay of sorts a few months ago but I never posted it. Amazingly, I still feel the same way as I did then.
__________________________________________

The other day my history professor expressed her detest for "love". She argued that it might as well be called lust, as it fades just as quickly. She said that after a year of marriage love just disappears. As much as it pains me to say it, I think my professor is simply bitter. She's definitely a cynic and that's not always a bad thing but it's statements like that that I feel are completely biased and out of touch.


I'm here to stand up for love. I know it's real. I've felt it and no one can tell me how AWFUL it is because it's not true. Finding and searching for love may be hurtful and difficult but real, true, unyielding love isn't anywhere near horrific.

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm in love. Yeah, sometimes it's difficult and sometimes my insecurities might get in the way but I know that I'm feeling love and I'm being loved. Real love doesn't fade. It just doesn't go away.


A long time ago I said that love didn't exist but I was lying, especially to myself. I wanted someone so badly but the Universe just fed me heartbreak, singledom and unrequited love. Finally, after all that suffering I was rewarded with the most perfect person for me.


Down with cynicism towards love. If anything, we should focus on finding the right person instead of saying "I love you" two weeks after we've met someone. Make love matter again.

~CM

See the sun

My life is dramatically different than it was over a month ago. So much has changed... I feel like I'm being punished sometimes. As if I've done something to anger higher beings and they're lashing out by making me miserable.

Aside from that I'm working on my biggest project ever which is me. Hopefully by year's end I'll be thinner, healthier and might like myself a bit. I might also have pink hair. It depends on how dramatic my "cheer myself up" measures have to go.

One good thing that's come out of this is that my muse has come back to join me in my misery. I've been writing a little bit and perhaps I'll share them here. Also, my love for reading has been rekindled which is cause for some kind of happiness.

I have a very long "journey" ahead of me and many changes to make and adjust to. I know that I'm able to do it and I will do it but I certainly won't like it all the time. It still seems unfair and I still hurt everyday but... I must have faith. I'll have to make a new normal for myself.

~CM