Stupid and lonely

Call me obvious, but the years after graduating from high school seem to be traveling at warp speed. It's been such an eventful past few months. I have a very rewarding job that I love, despite the stress it causes. I'm "newly" single. I'm moving out of the house finally, into an apartment! It's a lot of changes in a short amount of time, but I still yearn for consistency.

Naturally, I'm a mess. Like I've mentioned before, it's as if my life is in a constant state of crisis. There's always a void I'm trying to fill. I'm trying to stuff anything I can into my life hoping that somehow it'll make me feel less lonely.

I thought my job would keep me occupied enough that I wouldn't notice the distance growing between us. I told myself it would all be better, I just needed to stay busy. But no matter how busy I was... I still felt like a stupid, deluded girl. I held onto him. I didn't want to be more alone than I already was. I wanted to fight for us. I felt like we had worked too hard to just let it go to shit. But I was wrong. I should have conceded the moment I felt like an afterthought. Am I stubborn or just a stupid, scared bitch?

I would like to tell you all that I'm thriving as a single woman. I truly believed that after the few days of crying, I was done and I was ready to take on the rest of my life. My confidence is definitely not consistent.  Last night I fell apart all over again. I realize I'm alone. No matter what I do, it's a fact. I can try to attract new men, I can convince others I'm happy, I can sit around all day watching Glee, I can bake, I can spend my time working on my writing, I can learn something new on the internet... but it's all on my own.

Baby, if I got you I don't need a parachute

I'm lonely. Again. And I absolutely hate it. You'd think that growing up alone, with no siblings would condition me into always being by myself. It seems like it's almost the opposite. I like to be noticed. I like attention. Now, I'm not saying that I like to be a spectacle or that I like being overdramatic in order to elicit a response... I just like feeling special sometimes. Is that really such a bad thing? Is it selfish of me, or just human?

All I'm certain of is just how shitty I feel. I'm always conflicted. Always at odds with myself. I feel like a brat, and I feel justified. I simply just want hugs and kisses. I want romance. I want a pair of arms to run to when I'm scared, or just when I'm feeling dejected and shunned from the world. I would love to feel safe again.

No one ever said this would be easy.

~C.M. xx

May angels lead you in...

I'm not entirely sure how to start. Should I start by saying that I lost both of my grandmothers this year? And here I was, hoping that 2010 would be great but it's even more horrible than 2009 was.

You might have seen me update my Facebook status regarding my maternal grandmother's death. For some reason I was expecting a tad more support, but honestly, what was I expecting? It's Facebook. And nothing makes people more awkward than death... and one's first experience with lovemaking, but I digress. (If you were wondering, yes, that was a pathetic attempt at humor. Even when my eyes are red and watery I use that damn shield. At least I'm consistent?)

My grandma is the woman sitting down and smiling in the upper left-hand corner. The little girl in the right hand corner is my mommy.

My grandmother, Carmen, passed away yesterday afternoon. I wasn't immedietely stricken with grief... My grandmother had been sick for awhile now and though my parents like to "protect" me like a 5 year-old and didn't really let me know anything I still knew that she wasn't doing well. A few weeks ago, I suppose I prepared myself. We were visiting her in the hospital and I noticed a plastic, purple bracelet on her wrist. "DNR". Do not resuscitate. That made me sad. I nearly cried there, but I didn't. Actually, I haven't let myself cry yet over her death. Things kind of happened quickly after that. We got the call about my grandmother passing while my parents and I were at my great aunt's house. For some reason, I felt like making a cake. My great aunt has a nice kitchen and always has kitchen staples at hand. Just as I was about to start I heard my mother in the living room talking to my uncle on the phone... He gave her the terrible, yet expected news... Soon after there were tears from my mother, and my great aunt. I was instructed to go ahead and make the cake since we'd probably be having company over soon. Is that what's normal? People come over to eat after there's a death in the family? Anyway, it gave me something to focus my attention on. What good would it be for me to cry and be a mess when my mother, with blood shot eyes sniffled and compulsively straightened up the house? I didn't want to make her cry more.

I didn't think too hard about it when everyone showed up, but seeing glimmers of my family's grief did make my throat tighten painfully. Especially when my cousin, Jimmy started to get emotional. It took a lot for me not to cry. Maybe my behavior will be different at the funeral, but honestly I'm not sure that I want to let anyone see me cry... I hope that my parents or anyone else don't think that I'm heartless. I simply love them so much and I want to be there for them.

My grandma and my mommy.

I hate that I can't remember much about my grandmother before her Alzheimer's started to affect her. I remember little things here and there. Hell, I spent a week with her when I was 12 and the most that I remember is that she cursed occasionally. I thought that was badass, to be honest. And funny. She had a really cute laugh though. I loved hearing her laugh. It always made me smile, even if I had no idea what the hell she was laughing at. I'm really glad I got to say goodbye to her as I didn't get to speak to my paternal grandmother before she passed. I hadn't seen her in 17 years...

I'm gonna leave you all with something really cliched and stupid, but bear the fuck with me because I'm actually starting to fucking cry. Life really is short. It's foolish to stay mad at anyone... It's foolish not to tell someone you love them if that's how you feel. It's foolish to live like you'll always have another chance to say the right thing or to make things right. Maybe you won't. I'm not saying that you should live everyday like it's your last and blow your student loan on a fucking Ferrari or anything... but perhaps we can just enjoy each other a bit more? Be more tolerant? Something like that...

~C.M. xx

They don't know the truth

It seems that I'm always eating when I blog... Right now I've just finished off a grilled chicken sammich. YEAH. Katy Perry is blasting right now, so that's only slightly less emo than what I was playing earlier... which was Jimmy Eat World. I love them, by the way.

Speaking of love... I've been pretty lonely as of late. It's lame. Fucking lame. I'm not one of those girls who like being an "independent woman". When "Single Ladies" comes on, I do NOT dance. Though, if you like it I STRONGLY suggest you put a ring on it. xD I really did dislike being alone on Halloween, and as stupid as it is... I don't want to spend Guy Fawkes day alone either. xD Honestly, you don't have to remind me how pathetic I am. I'm fully aware of this. I mean... I'm searching for a new damn gym bag right now during the official start of my weekend. Social life FAIL.

There are a couple things I'm looking forward to though. One being the arrival of my t-shirt from this place called 6 Dollar Shirts. I've lurked around their site for ages but I've been too scared to buy anything. As the name suggests, all their shirts are around $6. Sounds like a great deal, right? And if you buy 10 of them they knock $10 bucks of the price so you end up paying $50 for 10 shirts. So, I ordered just one for now to test the quality and I'll probably even post a review here. Yay? Sort of.

Also, I really need to get out of the house so this weekend I might go out to see what's going on at the Major Leauge Gaming event and might go to Sonicon... by myself. ~.~" And those of you who are fans of Less Than Three, the geeky, gossipy podcast Dalila and I run.. well, we're getting around to recording another episode. We promise!

Oh yeah, I forgot to post the link to the blog where you can see the posts I made for my school's newspaper's blog the other night from the watch party. If you're interested in reading them you can go to the Et Cetera Blog.

That's all for now. New post in a few days... or tomorrow.

~C.M. xx

Like there was nothing wrong

My trip out of town was surprisingly short. Just a note, I'm terribly sleepy at the moment, but I thought I should crank out a blog just so that I feel that much less crazy. I've had one and a million "philosophical" thoughts since last night. My mind has grown so poetic that I'm almost sick of it. I narrate my life in my head so eloquently. It makes me want to punch myself. Not literally, but I'm sure you get the idea.

I didn't know my muse would be such a nuisance. I begged for years for it to come back. Now that it's residing somewhere between the hemispheres of my brain, it's a bit annoying. Another, somewhat related thought... I think it's funny how my rational and creative thinking join to make me a writer of realistic fiction. Things that didn't happen, but could. Ha?

Anyway, I didn't get any baking done. I don't like to use my toaster oven for baking cupcakes anymore. The only cupcake pan that fits inside is the crappy aluminum kind that easily loses it's shape. Cupcake nazi, much? Bah. I also wanted to make candy apples because I love them and I'm a little too cheap to get one from the fair, but I haven't had time for that either. *frown*

I've had a real desire to go to a thrift store lately. I think my subconscious is just trying to keep myself busy, which is important when random memories can be triggered at a moment's notice, catapulting me back into the hole I had spent weeks crawling out of. Thanks, subconscious. You're there for me... Unlike my muse that loves it when I'm miserable. BAH.

I had tentative plans to go out today (yesterday, technically), but they were foiled. I'm not going to explain exactly why because... well, because it isn't really important. There's always next week, right? Speaking of, I think I left my pink wig at Lila's house. Well, just gives me a reason to visit her later. She'll break down and say yes to me some day... And when that day comes, geeks' hearts all over the world will shatter. xD

I'm just going to take a moment to remind you that I'm very tired and very sleep deprived... With each word I type I start to regret posting at this hour, but I'm too far gone to stop now. Alright, maybe I can salvage this. I have a picture to show you that made me kind of laugh.

 

Where a simple, "OUT OF ORDER" would have sufficed, someone decided it'd be better to write "DON'T USE ME. I'M BROKEN" on a faulty tampon dispenser, apostrophes in all the right places and all. You and me both, Kotex... You and me both.

~C.M. xx

Rummaging for answers in the pages

Hi all... My life has remained as mundane as ever. I actually haven't felt all that well to write a blog but I figured now would be just as good a time as ever. I also went about a week without home internet, so that kept me from updating as well. Here's what I've been up to...

 This past weekend my grandmother had a mini stroke. She's fine but it rattled my mother's nerves rather horribly. It's so.. odd, I guess. My mother always gives off this notion of being so strong... It's weird and really unsettling to see her cry. I love my mother so much. She hasn't been at home much. Before she left, I was already missing her. I found it so hard to say that to her. That I missed her. I felt like it would be a bitch-move to do so. I didn't want to be a jerk and make her feel bad for not being around. I decided not to say anything to her. It's a weird situation. I mean, I think she'd be warmed at knowing that although she can be a little annoying sometimes... I truly miss having her at home. I miss just talking to her. I'm still so weak. I need my mother. What really sucked is that my parents weren't talking much in the days leading up to her leaving this weekend. I didn't understand why. I've learned to just shrug it off and not give a shit. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's realized how precious life is. Yeah, I act like I hate a lot of things... but I'm learning not to take so many things for granted. We really don't know how long we have here. I'm not saying that we should just wait around to die... I'm saying that maybe we should celebrate life more. Let the stupid shit go. Don't get me wrong. I still like to complain about things and talk shit about stuff I don't like... but carrying grudges around is not something I plan on doing anymore. It's simply not worth it. Am I ranting? Yes, very much so.

What else I do? Oh, I watched the Glee season premier. It made me fucking cry. I also don't like many of the characters this time around. I might construct a rant about it later... if I feel up for it. Uh, I saw Easy A finally. I liked it. Maybe not as much as I wanted to, but Emma Stone is undeniably cute and likable. Also saw Machete and Going The Distance a few weeks back. Yep.

I'm guessing that's really all I have to say. Until later...

~C.M.

You popped my heart seams on my bubble dreams

It really seems as if every time I start to feel better, it all just tumbles down again. To be honest, the fall this time doesn't seem so hard. I guess my recovery period is starting to shorten... or maybe it's the combination of Nutella and ibuprofen that's created a safety net for my sinking demeanor.

I put away some of the things he's given me into a hat box and stashed it in my closet. I have left some things out... but the ones that hurt the most went into the box. It's just that... I'll sit and think... I'll reminisce.. and if I think too hard about it then my eyes start to sting with tears. Then I have to just stuff all of my feelings away. I have to bury them in me or else I just fall apart.

Aside from all that... I did try to have a good time today. I met up with an old friend from high school. She and I talked a lot. I didn't realize how much I had to say. I felt like I was talking for ages. I do want to thank her for distracting me for awhile and for offering to pay for my lunch. I didn't let her. She's so nice. A super huge thank you goes out to her this week.

Now back to the Nutella... I've been wanting to taste it for a while and I finally picked up a sample pack at World Market. Wow... it is really good. I'd be more enthusiastic about how great this stuff tastes but being depressed and all. I'd love to make a cake with it. It's a chocolate-hazlenut spread and I think I could eat it for days and still not get tired of it. Oh, also, World Market is one of my new favorite stores. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

I guess that's all for this post. Good luck to Moises who has applied to a job he really wants and hi to Ron because he actually reads this crap.

~C.M.

Empty

Another story...
______________________________

The hardwood floors were cold and creaked with emptiness. A chilly draft blew around my ankles as I stood in his room. Only a bed remained. His books, his clothes, his desk were all gone. I looked to the window to see clouds looming low in the sky. So suitable.

Slowly, I walked towards the bed and curled upon it. I found myself retreating into a fetal position. I glanced around and realized that the room was actually quite big... now that there was nothing in it. I closed my eyes, imagining that nothing had changed. He was still with me. He was still in the living room, watching the Food Network. I wasn't really alone. He hadn't met a gorgeous woman named Julia... He hadn't taken her to dinner in my car... He hadn't gone up to her apartment... He hadn't fallen out of love with me.

It was just a nightmare and I would wake up soon. Just a very bad dream... I hadn't found pictures of them together on his laptop... I hadn't lied to him and said I wouldn't be home... I hadn't waited around for him.. and I hadn't yelled at him the second he walked in the door. Julia hadn't walked in after him or demanded to know who I was. She hadn't called him a bastard and pulled a gun from her purse. She hadn't screamed and pulled the trigger... He hadn't been struck with the bullet, and crumpled to the floor. He hadn't died at the doorway as her eyes welled with tears. Julia hadn't dropped the pistol in the growing pool of scarlet blood and whispered, "I'm sorry," before stumbling away in a daze.

Just a nightmare... a terrible nightmare. My eyes shot open, and my face was wet.... but I was still in his room, and it was still empty.

I'll never be the same

Just when you think things are looking up they go, "Fuck you, of course you're going to feel worse." And I do. Every part of me is in battle with itself. I'm vulnerable and I know it. My body is reacting by making me... hard. Bitter. I haven't been this way in a really long time. It's kind of scary. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be mad. To be honest, I wish I could sleep for years... but I know the pain would still be there regardless of how long I sleep.

I still wonder what I did wrong, though most times I think it's because of my weight... Or maybe I should have done this or that better. Other times I think I didn't really do anything wrong, I've just made the world mad at me for being so mean to myself. Correcting whatever mistakes I've made will take a very long time. I need to do it myself, I know, but... right now I'm terribly weak. So... so... weak. I never know what to do with myself anymore. I'm just going through the motions of living, if that's what you call this. What happens from here? I ask that like I don't know the answer, but I do. I made a promise. My heart... has settled on a decision, though it does pulsate with indecision sometimes. I know what happens from here, in a way... I will lock my heart away. I will wait. I will be stuck. I'll always be in love. Nothing will ever change that, and I know it. I'm scared. I'm tired of being hurt, but I must do this. I must... live. I can't sleep forever.

~C.M.

Just let me sit and rot

Today was a bit of a hard day. Emotions abound. Was feeling really bitter, then really hurt. For now I've just buried my feelings so that I can function. I try not to think so much but memories are everywhere. Being on the verge of tears during everyday life is no way to live but I can't help but wonder "Why me?" every now and then.

Aside from all that ugliness that's become a common obstacle for me my day wasn't completely horrible. I've dyed my hair blue black. I shall post pictures when I can. To be honest, I wasn't expecting the chemical smell to be so strong. Seriously, I feel like my nose is going to bleed at any second. Until next time.

~C.M.

See the sun

My life is dramatically different than it was over a month ago. So much has changed... I feel like I'm being punished sometimes. As if I've done something to anger higher beings and they're lashing out by making me miserable.

Aside from that I'm working on my biggest project ever which is me. Hopefully by year's end I'll be thinner, healthier and might like myself a bit. I might also have pink hair. It depends on how dramatic my "cheer myself up" measures have to go.

One good thing that's come out of this is that my muse has come back to join me in my misery. I've been writing a little bit and perhaps I'll share them here. Also, my love for reading has been rekindled which is cause for some kind of happiness.

I have a very long "journey" ahead of me and many changes to make and adjust to. I know that I'm able to do it and I will do it but I certainly won't like it all the time. It still seems unfair and I still hurt everyday but... I must have faith. I'll have to make a new normal for myself.

~CM

I'll Try To Love Again

I like to stay positive most of the time. I've spent too much of my life being sad. It's one of the things I realized this summer. Sadness... is silly. I have no real use for it. Life is about being happy. At least, that's how I see it.

Despite all of this, I've been stricken with a dose of what one would call, depression. It's not too severe, just... very annoying. A situation has come up that has urged me to reassess the way I deal with problems that directly affect me. I was hurt recently. I won't say by whom, but... someone who is very near and dear to my heart. They pulled me into a problem, which wasn't really mine to begin with and although I was fine with it, what really upset me is the way I was treated upon our first meeting after the "incident". I was invisible. I was nothing. After everything we'd been through, I seemed to be that disposable. Sitting there, I racked my brain, trying to think of what I had possibly done wrong. I felt terrible.

He has apologized, though... I didn't think the apology was very genuine. It seems like the apology was forced and twisted out of "obligation". Now, the dilemma lies... Am I ridiculous to still be upset? Am I being too dramatic about this? All I know is that my heart was truly broken. And when your heart is broken by a friend, that is when it cuts the deepest.

I do not forgive very easily and at this moment, I am holding two very big grudges. Should I just let my guard down and forgive? Or stick to my guns and stay this way, with one less friend? In my mind, it'd be easier to pretend I no longer cared. But is that necessarily the best thing to do? I still care about my friend, but if I'm so easily thrown away... is it a relationship worth salvaging?

Until later, cupcakes...

-melonXXXcupcake