Prophète

I should have known.

I was threatened by her the moment I met her. The moment I saw her adorable, unassuming smile every hair on my body tugged at the follicle. She was cute. Really cute. Petite. Kind. Geeky.

She looked like the least complicated girl on earth... like she just wanted to give love and table all the drama. She looked... lovely.

On the other hand, I am not lovely in the slightest... or cute for that matter. I'm huge and clumsy... like a cow with vertigo. Not even, cows are still cute.

I'm not enough and too much all at once. I hate it to no end. My insecurity feeds upon every single negative thought.

Glancing at him, chewing on a chapped bottom lip, I only hoped that he wasn't in love with someone else.

Stupid and lonely

Call me obvious, but the years after graduating from high school seem to be traveling at warp speed. It's been such an eventful past few months. I have a very rewarding job that I love, despite the stress it causes. I'm "newly" single. I'm moving out of the house finally, into an apartment! It's a lot of changes in a short amount of time, but I still yearn for consistency.

Naturally, I'm a mess. Like I've mentioned before, it's as if my life is in a constant state of crisis. There's always a void I'm trying to fill. I'm trying to stuff anything I can into my life hoping that somehow it'll make me feel less lonely.

I thought my job would keep me occupied enough that I wouldn't notice the distance growing between us. I told myself it would all be better, I just needed to stay busy. But no matter how busy I was... I still felt like a stupid, deluded girl. I held onto him. I didn't want to be more alone than I already was. I wanted to fight for us. I felt like we had worked too hard to just let it go to shit. But I was wrong. I should have conceded the moment I felt like an afterthought. Am I stubborn or just a stupid, scared bitch?

I would like to tell you all that I'm thriving as a single woman. I truly believed that after the few days of crying, I was done and I was ready to take on the rest of my life. My confidence is definitely not consistent.  Last night I fell apart all over again. I realize I'm alone. No matter what I do, it's a fact. I can try to attract new men, I can convince others I'm happy, I can sit around all day watching Glee, I can bake, I can spend my time working on my writing, I can learn something new on the internet... but it's all on my own.

In the sun

It's been like a million years since I've posted. I couldn't even remember the last thing I wrote here. I had to go back and read it. Anyway... How've you been? How are the kids? Y'mind if I get come ice cream? Okay, cool... Is this the drawer you keep your spoons in?

Sorry, I'm hungry. I don't even want ice cream I just want chips and salsa. Speaking of which, remember when I said I wanted to lose 40 pounds? Well, I was doing okay, counting calories, weighing myself daily and shit and then, well I got a job so that's all gone out the window for now. I've no idea how much I weigh but my parents SWEAR I've lost weight. I don't know how. I sit all day and let my mind drift in between helping customers. Oh, and I eat crap for lunch. Chicken nuggets, orange chicken, cheese pizza, iced coffee.. I sell insurance, by the way. If you're wondering what that's like... well it's like selling insurance. I'm not going to admit that I hate the job via the internet, but let's just say that this employment has given me an opportunity to figure out what I REALLY want to do. Which is NOT sell insurance. You know what, I'd be okay going the rest of my life never selling anything for commission again. Money doesn't motivate me much. I have an hourly wage already, telling me that if I shaft this person out of 40 dollars of their hard earned money so that I can get a cut of it won't really make me want to charge them 40... How about 10? Is 10 good? No? I'm fired? Okay.

That's really all I've been up to. I did attend A-Kon this year, and it was a lot of fun actually. I thought it'd be lame with the insane amount of people and the fact that I couldn't go all day because of my new job, but it turned out rather nice. I'm pretty excited for Animefest as well, so yaaaaaaaay. If you're wondering how I'm fairing after another "break-up" well, as you can see I'm feeling dandy and this summer has been tons better than last year's.

Not really much else to report other than I was stricken with the urge to write (FINALLY!) and I'll be posting the little bit of what I have so far in a minute. Oh, I should also REALLY change my layout. Would someone like to assist me?

~C.M. xx

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes

This is something I wrote while I was recovering from heartbreak in the summer. Not sure where I was going with it. Suggestions, maybe?
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The sky was a deep, far-away orange. The rain poured like never before. Relentless. Just yesterday it was sunny and hot. No wind disturbed the late-blooming June bugs. Tonight, however, we were warned by the weather girl to keep out mattresses on stand-by in case of a tornado. Texas weather is never very stable. Neither are the people.

I turned away from the kitchen window and contemplated a cup of coffee. I decided against it due to the wretched humidity. I half-hoped I wouldn't have any uninvited guests stopping by while at the same time realizing that I rarely got visitors any way. A wry smile crept along my face. I often though somber thoughts but never found them to be all that depressing. Though if I ever confessed half of the morbid things that crawl within my cerebral matter to a therapist I just might have to be committed. That's a joke, mostly.

~C.M. xx

May angels lead you in...

I'm not entirely sure how to start. Should I start by saying that I lost both of my grandmothers this year? And here I was, hoping that 2010 would be great but it's even more horrible than 2009 was.

You might have seen me update my Facebook status regarding my maternal grandmother's death. For some reason I was expecting a tad more support, but honestly, what was I expecting? It's Facebook. And nothing makes people more awkward than death... and one's first experience with lovemaking, but I digress. (If you were wondering, yes, that was a pathetic attempt at humor. Even when my eyes are red and watery I use that damn shield. At least I'm consistent?)

My grandma is the woman sitting down and smiling in the upper left-hand corner. The little girl in the right hand corner is my mommy.

My grandmother, Carmen, passed away yesterday afternoon. I wasn't immedietely stricken with grief... My grandmother had been sick for awhile now and though my parents like to "protect" me like a 5 year-old and didn't really let me know anything I still knew that she wasn't doing well. A few weeks ago, I suppose I prepared myself. We were visiting her in the hospital and I noticed a plastic, purple bracelet on her wrist. "DNR". Do not resuscitate. That made me sad. I nearly cried there, but I didn't. Actually, I haven't let myself cry yet over her death. Things kind of happened quickly after that. We got the call about my grandmother passing while my parents and I were at my great aunt's house. For some reason, I felt like making a cake. My great aunt has a nice kitchen and always has kitchen staples at hand. Just as I was about to start I heard my mother in the living room talking to my uncle on the phone... He gave her the terrible, yet expected news... Soon after there were tears from my mother, and my great aunt. I was instructed to go ahead and make the cake since we'd probably be having company over soon. Is that what's normal? People come over to eat after there's a death in the family? Anyway, it gave me something to focus my attention on. What good would it be for me to cry and be a mess when my mother, with blood shot eyes sniffled and compulsively straightened up the house? I didn't want to make her cry more.

I didn't think too hard about it when everyone showed up, but seeing glimmers of my family's grief did make my throat tighten painfully. Especially when my cousin, Jimmy started to get emotional. It took a lot for me not to cry. Maybe my behavior will be different at the funeral, but honestly I'm not sure that I want to let anyone see me cry... I hope that my parents or anyone else don't think that I'm heartless. I simply love them so much and I want to be there for them.

My grandma and my mommy.

I hate that I can't remember much about my grandmother before her Alzheimer's started to affect her. I remember little things here and there. Hell, I spent a week with her when I was 12 and the most that I remember is that she cursed occasionally. I thought that was badass, to be honest. And funny. She had a really cute laugh though. I loved hearing her laugh. It always made me smile, even if I had no idea what the hell she was laughing at. I'm really glad I got to say goodbye to her as I didn't get to speak to my paternal grandmother before she passed. I hadn't seen her in 17 years...

I'm gonna leave you all with something really cliched and stupid, but bear the fuck with me because I'm actually starting to fucking cry. Life really is short. It's foolish to stay mad at anyone... It's foolish not to tell someone you love them if that's how you feel. It's foolish to live like you'll always have another chance to say the right thing or to make things right. Maybe you won't. I'm not saying that you should live everyday like it's your last and blow your student loan on a fucking Ferrari or anything... but perhaps we can just enjoy each other a bit more? Be more tolerant? Something like that...

~C.M. xx

They don't know the truth

It seems that I'm always eating when I blog... Right now I've just finished off a grilled chicken sammich. YEAH. Katy Perry is blasting right now, so that's only slightly less emo than what I was playing earlier... which was Jimmy Eat World. I love them, by the way.

Speaking of love... I've been pretty lonely as of late. It's lame. Fucking lame. I'm not one of those girls who like being an "independent woman". When "Single Ladies" comes on, I do NOT dance. Though, if you like it I STRONGLY suggest you put a ring on it. xD I really did dislike being alone on Halloween, and as stupid as it is... I don't want to spend Guy Fawkes day alone either. xD Honestly, you don't have to remind me how pathetic I am. I'm fully aware of this. I mean... I'm searching for a new damn gym bag right now during the official start of my weekend. Social life FAIL.

There are a couple things I'm looking forward to though. One being the arrival of my t-shirt from this place called 6 Dollar Shirts. I've lurked around their site for ages but I've been too scared to buy anything. As the name suggests, all their shirts are around $6. Sounds like a great deal, right? And if you buy 10 of them they knock $10 bucks of the price so you end up paying $50 for 10 shirts. So, I ordered just one for now to test the quality and I'll probably even post a review here. Yay? Sort of.

Also, I really need to get out of the house so this weekend I might go out to see what's going on at the Major Leauge Gaming event and might go to Sonicon... by myself. ~.~" And those of you who are fans of Less Than Three, the geeky, gossipy podcast Dalila and I run.. well, we're getting around to recording another episode. We promise!

Oh yeah, I forgot to post the link to the blog where you can see the posts I made for my school's newspaper's blog the other night from the watch party. If you're interested in reading them you can go to the Et Cetera Blog.

That's all for now. New post in a few days... or tomorrow.

~C.M. xx

Rummaging for answers in the pages

Hi all... My life has remained as mundane as ever. I actually haven't felt all that well to write a blog but I figured now would be just as good a time as ever. I also went about a week without home internet, so that kept me from updating as well. Here's what I've been up to...

 This past weekend my grandmother had a mini stroke. She's fine but it rattled my mother's nerves rather horribly. It's so.. odd, I guess. My mother always gives off this notion of being so strong... It's weird and really unsettling to see her cry. I love my mother so much. She hasn't been at home much. Before she left, I was already missing her. I found it so hard to say that to her. That I missed her. I felt like it would be a bitch-move to do so. I didn't want to be a jerk and make her feel bad for not being around. I decided not to say anything to her. It's a weird situation. I mean, I think she'd be warmed at knowing that although she can be a little annoying sometimes... I truly miss having her at home. I miss just talking to her. I'm still so weak. I need my mother. What really sucked is that my parents weren't talking much in the days leading up to her leaving this weekend. I didn't understand why. I've learned to just shrug it off and not give a shit. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's realized how precious life is. Yeah, I act like I hate a lot of things... but I'm learning not to take so many things for granted. We really don't know how long we have here. I'm not saying that we should just wait around to die... I'm saying that maybe we should celebrate life more. Let the stupid shit go. Don't get me wrong. I still like to complain about things and talk shit about stuff I don't like... but carrying grudges around is not something I plan on doing anymore. It's simply not worth it. Am I ranting? Yes, very much so.

What else I do? Oh, I watched the Glee season premier. It made me fucking cry. I also don't like many of the characters this time around. I might construct a rant about it later... if I feel up for it. Uh, I saw Easy A finally. I liked it. Maybe not as much as I wanted to, but Emma Stone is undeniably cute and likable. Also saw Machete and Going The Distance a few weeks back. Yep.

I'm guessing that's really all I have to say. Until later...

~C.M.

Hearts

 Short story I wrote some time ago.
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The only thing that breaks the silence is the shuffling of the pages she turns. I'm sitting across from her in the Library as she leafs through her Physics book. I cross and uncross my ankles underneath the table. It's almost been a week since the party. I wonder if she remembers anything from the evening.

I blink as she looks up at me, noticing my gaze. I had been staring. She smiles and half-scowls, then returns to her studying. God, she is absolutely stunning. Green eyes, soft dirty blonde hair... petite and kind. I've never had a bigger crush on anyone.

That night at the house party, I was calmly sitting on the porch, nursing a bottle of water. The night air was heavy with humidity. "Hey you," She breathed into my ear from behind me. I had nearly had a heart attack. I noticed she was slurring her words when she had asked if it was cool if she sat with me. I smiled warmly and nodded.

She clears her throat and my heart stops for a moment. She holds her head in her hand and sighs as she re-reads a paragraph. My tongue tingles with questions I want so desperately to ask... but I'm afraid. What if she shot me down? Denied it all and stormed out?

I frown slightly and glance at her hands... Her slender, elegant, feminine hands. I can nearly feel them running over my—

"Is there a formula chart in this thing?" She half-whispered to me.

I widen my eyes, shake my head feverishly and start to blush as I scribble nonsense into my notebook, pretending to be busy. Still, my thoughts stray back to the way she grinned at me and told me I was pretty. She leaned in and planted a kiss on my lips. It was only for a second (and she passed out afterward) but it was like time had froze. I look at her now, focusing on her reading, struggling to cram as much information into her head. The morning after the party she acted normal... besides dashing into the restroom to retch. I sigh, and realize that I am terribly and hoplessly in love with my roommate.

Empty

Another story...
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The hardwood floors were cold and creaked with emptiness. A chilly draft blew around my ankles as I stood in his room. Only a bed remained. His books, his clothes, his desk were all gone. I looked to the window to see clouds looming low in the sky. So suitable.

Slowly, I walked towards the bed and curled upon it. I found myself retreating into a fetal position. I glanced around and realized that the room was actually quite big... now that there was nothing in it. I closed my eyes, imagining that nothing had changed. He was still with me. He was still in the living room, watching the Food Network. I wasn't really alone. He hadn't met a gorgeous woman named Julia... He hadn't taken her to dinner in my car... He hadn't gone up to her apartment... He hadn't fallen out of love with me.

It was just a nightmare and I would wake up soon. Just a very bad dream... I hadn't found pictures of them together on his laptop... I hadn't lied to him and said I wouldn't be home... I hadn't waited around for him.. and I hadn't yelled at him the second he walked in the door. Julia hadn't walked in after him or demanded to know who I was. She hadn't called him a bastard and pulled a gun from her purse. She hadn't screamed and pulled the trigger... He hadn't been struck with the bullet, and crumpled to the floor. He hadn't died at the doorway as her eyes welled with tears. Julia hadn't dropped the pistol in the growing pool of scarlet blood and whispered, "I'm sorry," before stumbling away in a daze.

Just a nightmare... a terrible nightmare. My eyes shot open, and my face was wet.... but I was still in his room, and it was still empty.

El Oh Vee Ee

I wrote this... essay of sorts a few months ago but I never posted it. Amazingly, I still feel the same way as I did then.
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The other day my history professor expressed her detest for "love". She argued that it might as well be called lust, as it fades just as quickly. She said that after a year of marriage love just disappears. As much as it pains me to say it, I think my professor is simply bitter. She's definitely a cynic and that's not always a bad thing but it's statements like that that I feel are completely biased and out of touch.


I'm here to stand up for love. I know it's real. I've felt it and no one can tell me how AWFUL it is because it's not true. Finding and searching for love may be hurtful and difficult but real, true, unyielding love isn't anywhere near horrific.

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm in love. Yeah, sometimes it's difficult and sometimes my insecurities might get in the way but I know that I'm feeling love and I'm being loved. Real love doesn't fade. It just doesn't go away.


A long time ago I said that love didn't exist but I was lying, especially to myself. I wanted someone so badly but the Universe just fed me heartbreak, singledom and unrequited love. Finally, after all that suffering I was rewarded with the most perfect person for me.


Down with cynicism towards love. If anything, we should focus on finding the right person instead of saying "I love you" two weeks after we've met someone. Make love matter again.

~CM

See the sun

My life is dramatically different than it was over a month ago. So much has changed... I feel like I'm being punished sometimes. As if I've done something to anger higher beings and they're lashing out by making me miserable.

Aside from that I'm working on my biggest project ever which is me. Hopefully by year's end I'll be thinner, healthier and might like myself a bit. I might also have pink hair. It depends on how dramatic my "cheer myself up" measures have to go.

One good thing that's come out of this is that my muse has come back to join me in my misery. I've been writing a little bit and perhaps I'll share them here. Also, my love for reading has been rekindled which is cause for some kind of happiness.

I have a very long "journey" ahead of me and many changes to make and adjust to. I know that I'm able to do it and I will do it but I certainly won't like it all the time. It still seems unfair and I still hurt everyday but... I must have faith. I'll have to make a new normal for myself.

~CM