May angels lead you in...

I'm not entirely sure how to start. Should I start by saying that I lost both of my grandmothers this year? And here I was, hoping that 2010 would be great but it's even more horrible than 2009 was.

You might have seen me update my Facebook status regarding my maternal grandmother's death. For some reason I was expecting a tad more support, but honestly, what was I expecting? It's Facebook. And nothing makes people more awkward than death... and one's first experience with lovemaking, but I digress. (If you were wondering, yes, that was a pathetic attempt at humor. Even when my eyes are red and watery I use that damn shield. At least I'm consistent?)

My grandma is the woman sitting down and smiling in the upper left-hand corner. The little girl in the right hand corner is my mommy.

My grandmother, Carmen, passed away yesterday afternoon. I wasn't immedietely stricken with grief... My grandmother had been sick for awhile now and though my parents like to "protect" me like a 5 year-old and didn't really let me know anything I still knew that she wasn't doing well. A few weeks ago, I suppose I prepared myself. We were visiting her in the hospital and I noticed a plastic, purple bracelet on her wrist. "DNR". Do not resuscitate. That made me sad. I nearly cried there, but I didn't. Actually, I haven't let myself cry yet over her death. Things kind of happened quickly after that. We got the call about my grandmother passing while my parents and I were at my great aunt's house. For some reason, I felt like making a cake. My great aunt has a nice kitchen and always has kitchen staples at hand. Just as I was about to start I heard my mother in the living room talking to my uncle on the phone... He gave her the terrible, yet expected news... Soon after there were tears from my mother, and my great aunt. I was instructed to go ahead and make the cake since we'd probably be having company over soon. Is that what's normal? People come over to eat after there's a death in the family? Anyway, it gave me something to focus my attention on. What good would it be for me to cry and be a mess when my mother, with blood shot eyes sniffled and compulsively straightened up the house? I didn't want to make her cry more.

I didn't think too hard about it when everyone showed up, but seeing glimmers of my family's grief did make my throat tighten painfully. Especially when my cousin, Jimmy started to get emotional. It took a lot for me not to cry. Maybe my behavior will be different at the funeral, but honestly I'm not sure that I want to let anyone see me cry... I hope that my parents or anyone else don't think that I'm heartless. I simply love them so much and I want to be there for them.

My grandma and my mommy.

I hate that I can't remember much about my grandmother before her Alzheimer's started to affect her. I remember little things here and there. Hell, I spent a week with her when I was 12 and the most that I remember is that she cursed occasionally. I thought that was badass, to be honest. And funny. She had a really cute laugh though. I loved hearing her laugh. It always made me smile, even if I had no idea what the hell she was laughing at. I'm really glad I got to say goodbye to her as I didn't get to speak to my paternal grandmother before she passed. I hadn't seen her in 17 years...

I'm gonna leave you all with something really cliched and stupid, but bear the fuck with me because I'm actually starting to fucking cry. Life really is short. It's foolish to stay mad at anyone... It's foolish not to tell someone you love them if that's how you feel. It's foolish to live like you'll always have another chance to say the right thing or to make things right. Maybe you won't. I'm not saying that you should live everyday like it's your last and blow your student loan on a fucking Ferrari or anything... but perhaps we can just enjoy each other a bit more? Be more tolerant? Something like that...

~C.M. xx