Just when you think things are looking up they go, "Fuck you, of course you're going to feel worse." And I do. Every part of me is in battle with itself. I'm vulnerable and I know it. My body is reacting by making me... hard. Bitter. I haven't been this way in a really long time. It's kind of scary. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be mad. To be honest, I wish I could sleep for years... but I know the pain would still be there regardless of how long I sleep.
I still wonder what I did wrong, though most times I think it's because of my weight... Or maybe I should have done this or that better. Other times I think I didn't really do anything wrong, I've just made the world mad at me for being so mean to myself. Correcting whatever mistakes I've made will take a very long time. I need to do it myself, I know, but... right now I'm terribly weak. So... so... weak. I never know what to do with myself anymore. I'm just going through the motions of living, if that's what you call this. What happens from here? I ask that like I don't know the answer, but I do. I made a promise. My heart... has settled on a decision, though it does pulsate with indecision sometimes. I know what happens from here, in a way... I will lock my heart away. I will wait. I will be stuck. I'll always be in love. Nothing will ever change that, and I know it. I'm scared. I'm tired of being hurt, but I must do this. I must... live. I can't sleep forever.
~C.M.
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