Learning to be alone, to be by myself, has been a harrowing and daunting experience so far. There are times when I am at peace with being alone... and of course there are times when I absolutely hate it. I've realized that I'm just scared. My future, my plans... they're fuzzy now. What I once saw so clearly is now so blurry I can't even make it out. What on earth do I do now? What do I want? I'm scared of what the future holds. Maybe I'm going through a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I should be thankful for all of my experiences and all of my mistakes. I should be growing up. I should be accepting of things as they are and stop trying to fix mistakes I never made by running memories over and over in my head.
I've also realized that I always do this when my heart is broken. I always run and hide. I'm still trying to figure out if this is the best method for me... or if I should finally learn to confront all of my problems in life. A lot of times I think that my heart is the smart organ... it's my head that needs to catch up. I remember... when I was about 9, my parents were going through a rough patch. The school counselor pulled me out of class by my mother's request. The counselor talked to me... She said things I didn't really understand, but she assured me that this wasn't my fault and that my parents loved me. What the hell was she talking about? What was this? Immediately after, as I was walking back to class, I saw my mother's friend and co-worker in the hallway. I can't remember what she asked me... but I ran up to her, hugged her and began to cry. My heart knew it. My head didn't understand. My heart knew that my parents were seriously contemplating divorce. To this day, it still baffles me how one part of me saw the truth when the other, typically more rational part of me didn't.
I'm in pain. There is no question about that. I miss him. I wish he would contact me. But, I am learning to take things as they are. I'm learning to let things work out how they will. I need to stop trying to control things, because most things are completely out of my control. I liken this to vomiting. Gross, I know, but stay with me. I hate throwing-up. I always have. I will do everything to avoid it, even though that I know that once I do throw-up I will feel better. The retching, the pain in my throat doesn't seem worth it prior to doing it until the relief afterwards. This pain I'm in now. These tears that fall. They will be worth it when everything is okay. When I'm okay. I can't be scared of the future forever, and I won't be.
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