Rosario

My prayers turned to chalky soot
They were ashes in my mouth

All my longing, all my hope
Were all but delusions I dreamt in the dark

I was left with the little forlorn words
I mumbled to myself under the covers

Secret #9

I tried out for Radio Disney when I was about nine-years-old. I got one callback.

Secret Garden

"You're fucking alone,"
This I knew
Because I had a love
Protected by boundaries

But it grew spidery vines
Rattled against the walls
And I lost it

So I continued on
Playing coy and calm

He said smart things
He found a sweet spot
He called me pretty...

So my shirt dipped down
My face flushed
My skin taut

I felt used
Pressured
But a lady
Never fails to please

I let down my guard
Left the gate ajar
And I lost myself

Mentiroso

You were alone now
She smiled
She blushed
You kissed her
Softly at first

Your hand catching
In the delicate curls
Of her locks
She responded with
her tongue

It was familiar
but deliciously different

This is exactly
What you needed
No complications
Just convienence
It was exactly
What she wanted
Your lips, your lies

Disfrazada

Shouting salty swears
Being bitter and bratty
A farce forced by frequent fear
Silly girl just wants to fall deep in love
Lust and longing lingers
Idly idealizing ignorance
All the sugar, sex, sin
Won't satisfy her Jane Austen heart
Empty but eagerly expecting
Requited returns, really
Moments and meanings
Over-analyzed, organized
And on the surface, a stupid smirk

Indigenous

I thought I knew perfection
I was happy and deluded
I settled for "Okay," when
I really needed "Yes, darling."
Intellectual and sexual.
I was captivated, I was done for
He fed me all the fantasies
I kept for myself
He fed me the future
I secretly knew I'd never see
I fell; told myself I was fine
He decided it was all too much
I fucked up, but where exactly?
He said no, not you, "It's me,"
I just wanted to give all my love
All over again to a man,
Not a boy

Boy, am I lonely...

Inquisition

(Written in late 2010, early 2011)

You're my muse.

I can only write when I've crawled into my hole, when I'm hiding my tears from the world. I can only write when I'm twisted and torn.

You do that to me.

Do you know sweetie, just how much you meant to me? The earth, the sky, the moon, I didn't care for.

But you... it was only ever you.

Do you know how many tears I spilled over you? A million and a half times forever.

All yours.

But it's been so long... and I'm still writing of the anguish you put me through. You won, but you didn't ever claim your prize. Is that what the game was all along? Conquer me only to leave?