(Written in late 2010, early 2011)
You're my muse.
I can only write when I've crawled into my hole, when I'm hiding my tears from the world. I can only write when I'm twisted and torn.
You do that to me.
Do you know sweetie, just how much you meant to me? The earth, the sky, the moon, I didn't care for.
But you... it was only ever you.
Do you know how many tears I spilled over you? A million and a half times forever.
All yours.
But it's been so long... and I'm still writing of the anguish you put me through. You won, but you didn't ever claim your prize. Is that what the game was all along? Conquer me only to leave?
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
L'espoir désespéré
(Not clear when I wrote this. More than likely late 2010 or early 2011.)
Maybe it's because I'm still afraid of letting you in. Maybe I think that if you see the dark, you'll realize you've made a mistake. Maybe I'm just scared that you'll turn and run. I'm scared that you'll leave me in your wake, drowning in deep blue sorrows.
It wasn't always like this. I had crazy dreams once. I thought that fairy tales could happen. But then I met a boy and I told him all of my heart's desires. We built a world just for us to live in. I felt at home with him.
One day, I opened my mouth, uttered three deathly honest words, "I love you." He held his breath... I haven't heard from him since.
Maybe it's because I'm still afraid of letting you in. Maybe I think that if you see the dark, you'll realize you've made a mistake. Maybe I'm just scared that you'll turn and run. I'm scared that you'll leave me in your wake, drowning in deep blue sorrows.
It wasn't always like this. I had crazy dreams once. I thought that fairy tales could happen. But then I met a boy and I told him all of my heart's desires. We built a world just for us to live in. I felt at home with him.
One day, I opened my mouth, uttered three deathly honest words, "I love you." He held his breath... I haven't heard from him since.
Aventurera
I wasn't always this way... I wasn't exactly a nun either. Maybe I just kept it quiet. My sexual energy was something just for me and for no one else to know... And then I met him. Our desires intermingled but we waited. I didn't want to give myself away before I was ready... before I was in love.
Even still, I had never really discussed all my sexual wants (needs, even) with anyone, but opened up with him... And now it's as if I can't keep it to myself anymore. I'm dying to share that side of me, to let it run rampant...
Is that what happens when you give your virginity away? You suddenly become a completely sexual being and are unable to extinguish that desire without having sex? You become branded? Unpure... deviant... or maybe I'm just so in need of affection, and sex is the ultimate loving act, therefore I crave that closeness. I crave that passion. I'm probably just kidding myself and am secretly a slut.
Even still, I had never really discussed all my sexual wants (needs, even) with anyone, but opened up with him... And now it's as if I can't keep it to myself anymore. I'm dying to share that side of me, to let it run rampant...
Is that what happens when you give your virginity away? You suddenly become a completely sexual being and are unable to extinguish that desire without having sex? You become branded? Unpure... deviant... or maybe I'm just so in need of affection, and sex is the ultimate loving act, therefore I crave that closeness. I crave that passion. I'm probably just kidding myself and am secretly a slut.
Prophète
I should have known.
I was threatened by her the moment I met her. The moment I saw her adorable, unassuming smile every hair on my body tugged at the follicle. She was cute. Really cute. Petite. Kind. Geeky.
She looked like the least complicated girl on earth... like she just wanted to give love and table all the drama. She looked... lovely.
On the other hand, I am not lovely in the slightest... or cute for that matter. I'm huge and clumsy... like a cow with vertigo. Not even, cows are still cute.
I'm not enough and too much all at once. I hate it to no end. My insecurity feeds upon every single negative thought.
Glancing at him, chewing on a chapped bottom lip, I only hoped that he wasn't in love with someone else.
I was threatened by her the moment I met her. The moment I saw her adorable, unassuming smile every hair on my body tugged at the follicle. She was cute. Really cute. Petite. Kind. Geeky.
She looked like the least complicated girl on earth... like she just wanted to give love and table all the drama. She looked... lovely.
On the other hand, I am not lovely in the slightest... or cute for that matter. I'm huge and clumsy... like a cow with vertigo. Not even, cows are still cute.
I'm not enough and too much all at once. I hate it to no end. My insecurity feeds upon every single negative thought.
Glancing at him, chewing on a chapped bottom lip, I only hoped that he wasn't in love with someone else.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Stupid and lonely
Call me obvious, but the years after graduating from high school seem to be traveling at warp speed. It's been such an eventful past few months. I have a very rewarding job that I love, despite the stress it causes. I'm "newly" single. I'm moving out of the house finally, into an apartment! It's a lot of changes in a short amount of time, but I still yearn for consistency.
Naturally, I'm a mess. Like I've mentioned before, it's as if my life is in a constant state of crisis. There's always a void I'm trying to fill. I'm trying to stuff anything I can into my life hoping that somehow it'll make me feel less lonely.
I thought my job would keep me occupied enough that I wouldn't notice the distance growing between us. I told myself it would all be better, I just needed to stay busy. But no matter how busy I was... I still felt like a stupid, deluded girl. I held onto him. I didn't want to be more alone than I already was. I wanted to fight for us. I felt like we had worked too hard to just let it go to shit. But I was wrong. I should have conceded the moment I felt like an afterthought. Am I stubborn or just a stupid, scared bitch?
I would like to tell you all that I'm thriving as a single woman. I truly believed that after the few days of crying, I was done and I was ready to take on the rest of my life. My confidence is definitely not consistent. Last night I fell apart all over again. I realize I'm alone. No matter what I do, it's a fact. I can try to attract new men, I can convince others I'm happy, I can sit around all day watching Glee, I can bake, I can spend my time working on my writing, I can learn something new on the internet... but it's all on my own.
Naturally, I'm a mess. Like I've mentioned before, it's as if my life is in a constant state of crisis. There's always a void I'm trying to fill. I'm trying to stuff anything I can into my life hoping that somehow it'll make me feel less lonely.
I thought my job would keep me occupied enough that I wouldn't notice the distance growing between us. I told myself it would all be better, I just needed to stay busy. But no matter how busy I was... I still felt like a stupid, deluded girl. I held onto him. I didn't want to be more alone than I already was. I wanted to fight for us. I felt like we had worked too hard to just let it go to shit. But I was wrong. I should have conceded the moment I felt like an afterthought. Am I stubborn or just a stupid, scared bitch?
I would like to tell you all that I'm thriving as a single woman. I truly believed that after the few days of crying, I was done and I was ready to take on the rest of my life. My confidence is definitely not consistent. Last night I fell apart all over again. I realize I'm alone. No matter what I do, it's a fact. I can try to attract new men, I can convince others I'm happy, I can sit around all day watching Glee, I can bake, I can spend my time working on my writing, I can learn something new on the internet... but it's all on my own.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
A second look at loss
Loss and death is a weird thing and we all deal with it differently. It usually makes us uncomfortable. My mom, for instance will talk about inane things, focus on everything except the person who's most likely on their deathbed. My father, seems to be incredibly uncomfortable in hospitals and seems to have a similar tactic. He makes silly jokes that fall flat in the midst of a somber mood. I'm not sure how I deal with it. I guess I'm usually quiet and I scowl a lot. Not because I'm mad but probably because I'm just trying to figure out how I'm supposed to feel.
My great aunt just passed away. I wasn't incredibly close to her but I do know that she was a sweet woman who was esentially the core of her family. I probably would not be so affected by her death if my maternal grandmother hadn't passed away two years ago. It's something I still grapple with today. You'd think after so many months it just gets easier, but it all just stays the same, you're still without that person in your life. There's so many parallels with my great aunt's death and my grandmother. I'm here in the same city. She's in the same hospital. Everyone has the same pained faces, same worry and panic. More than likely tonight's events will be the same. Everyone will speak in soft tones and find the softest spot in their heart from which pours geuine kindness. We'll all bring food and talk. We'll all be together even though we're not all that close, but that's something death does. It brings people together in all settings.
With her passing it just makes me realize that time stops for no one. It will keep marching on with or without you. I'm now struck with a panic, panic that my great aunt, who I am particularly close with especially since my grandmother's decline in health, will be next. Seeing her go will be very painful, I know this now. It feels almost like a betrayl, that I will miss this person more than another, but I guess that's just how life is. You'll be magnetized closer to some more than others, you'll care more. That's just how the pieces will fall in life.
And again, as time marches on it will not stop for my mother. It will not stop for my father. And when they pass I will be alone. I have no brothers or sisters. Seeing my great aunt at the hospital last night I saw her daughters there, all three of them. They are a team that can get through this together. I will not have that. I will be alone. Yes, I'll have my family but at the end of it all I will simply be alone. And I truly have felt alone a lot lately so perhaps that's another reason why I'm thinking about this. I'm just dreading every passing moment that will lead me to be that daughter, at a bedside. Alone.
My great aunt just passed away. I wasn't incredibly close to her but I do know that she was a sweet woman who was esentially the core of her family. I probably would not be so affected by her death if my maternal grandmother hadn't passed away two years ago. It's something I still grapple with today. You'd think after so many months it just gets easier, but it all just stays the same, you're still without that person in your life. There's so many parallels with my great aunt's death and my grandmother. I'm here in the same city. She's in the same hospital. Everyone has the same pained faces, same worry and panic. More than likely tonight's events will be the same. Everyone will speak in soft tones and find the softest spot in their heart from which pours geuine kindness. We'll all bring food and talk. We'll all be together even though we're not all that close, but that's something death does. It brings people together in all settings.
With her passing it just makes me realize that time stops for no one. It will keep marching on with or without you. I'm now struck with a panic, panic that my great aunt, who I am particularly close with especially since my grandmother's decline in health, will be next. Seeing her go will be very painful, I know this now. It feels almost like a betrayl, that I will miss this person more than another, but I guess that's just how life is. You'll be magnetized closer to some more than others, you'll care more. That's just how the pieces will fall in life.
And again, as time marches on it will not stop for my mother. It will not stop for my father. And when they pass I will be alone. I have no brothers or sisters. Seeing my great aunt at the hospital last night I saw her daughters there, all three of them. They are a team that can get through this together. I will not have that. I will be alone. Yes, I'll have my family but at the end of it all I will simply be alone. And I truly have felt alone a lot lately so perhaps that's another reason why I'm thinking about this. I'm just dreading every passing moment that will lead me to be that daughter, at a bedside. Alone.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
REVIEW: Katy Perry, Part of Me 3D
(Hi there! I know it's been AGES since I've updated but lately I've been focusing a great deal of my creative energy into my pet project, The Seed Magazine which is a digital publication showcasing original content by creative 18-29-year-old people. If you have a chance, and haven't already, please check it out here, here, here and here. It'll make me so fantasgasmically happy.)So, why did I bring you all here today? To blab, of course. I got to see Katy Perry's documentary a few hours ago thanks to my mom with her free Fandango tickets. I went with my best friend, Reina and it was so fun! This means that my secret's out. I'm a total KatyCat. I loved "One of the Boys" and two summers ago I couldn't wait to get my hands on the cotton-candy scented "Teenage Dream". I'm seriously obsessed.
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| Glitter shoes & cotton-candy colored carpet leading the way to the theater! |
I'm not completely sure what draws me to Katy. It might be that she's not rail-thin (I can identify) but it probably has to do with the fact that she doesn't take herself too seriously, and as most of you know, that's totally something I'm on board with. Two summers ago, I got my heart broken... badly. I listened to a lot of music to soothe myself and of the top 10 songs I played on iTunes that summer, songs from Katy's albums made up 70% of that list. If you've only listened to her singles I can see how most would think that she's a bouncy party girl, and she probably is, but in other songs, like "I'm Still Breathing", "Not Like the Movies" and "Pearl" there's an honesty there that I relate to. Maybe I'm being a sap, but I feel like those songs are the rawest and make me a bigger fan of hers. She's not one to hold back and Katy definitely didn't hold back in this documentary. SPOILER ALERT! Her ex-husband, Russell Brand is featured much more heavily in the movie than I thought he'd be. His first appearance on the screen had everyone in the theater give a slightly shocked, more empathetic, "Oh..." You see the couple together, so happy and you can't help but give a lopsided frown. Throughout the film you witness how much Katy struggled to keep her marriage alive and to keep it together to continue her tour. I think the film was edited pretty well, had great fluidity (no slow moments) and of course the sound/music is great as far as quality is concerned. It's more than a concert film, it's an in depth look at how a little Christian singer became a gigantic pop star and a story that shows that dreams can come true, maybe you have to sacrifice to get the success you want, but there's always hope. It was pretty adorable to see clips of 18-year-old Katy Perry talk about her career thus far and everything she aspired to. Aside from that mushiness, I'll be honest with you, I'm anti-3D in most cases. There's very little 3D to Part of Me. Only the concert footage pops out, so I would say to skip it in 3D if you're really debating if it's worth the extra $2-4.
Maybe I'm seeing this movie through heart-shaped glasses since I'm a Katy Perry fan, and therefore biased but my expectations were exceeded this time around. And hey, getting free stuff was great too. Above is a special edition pin-up poster that I meticulously carried with me all the way home lest it got wrinkled because that would have made me one sad panda.
AND LOOK, heart-shaped 3D glasses. These were given to us AFTER we left the theater and they came in this nifty drawstring bag. SWEET! So, that's what I think about Katy Perry: Part of Me which comes out July 5th, this Thursday! If you get a chance to see it this weekend tell me what you think. Until then...
Stay excellent,
C.M. xx
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